


take me as i am

by argentae



Series: take me as i am-universe [1]
Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Alternate Universe - College/University, Bipolar Disorder, Falling In Love, Fluff and Angst, Kid Fic, M/M, Mental Health Issues, POV Alternating, how does one tag, not that much angst tho i'm not About That Life, parent!even
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-23
Updated: 2017-10-01
Packaged: 2019-01-04 05:28:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 24,430
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12162459
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/argentae/pseuds/argentae
Summary: He isn’t crushing, and nevertheless this guy has become a Problem, because whenever he’s on shift he’s made it increasingly difficult for Isak to really spend his time productively. Sure, he could just find another place to study but he likes the access to coffee here even though he actually kind of hates the bitterness of it and he’s just not going to let himself get swept aside because of this guy.In summary: Isak has been suffering. Terribly.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [puddingandpie](https://archiveofourown.org/users/puddingandpie/gifts).



> okay. wow. still can't believe i wrote this whole thing and now it's gonna be out in the world oops. be a little kind with me this is the longest thing i've ever posted (it only took me months to write jskdlfls). i'm actually,, kind of proud of it but i'm also afraid of it being out there because i fear i'll want to keep changing it. but yeah, this is happening. 
> 
> anyway the whole thing is written already, it's about 23k?? i'm just editing the rest of the chapters so there will be updates every other day or so!! like the tag says it'll be alternating povs & it's within the chapters. i think it's pretty clear when it switches (there's usually a -- between bits) but let me know if it's not!! 
> 
> i need to thank the kardemommefam for being the absolute best always and josie in specific for putting up with my whining and being my thesaurus whenever i had a "english? what even is that?" moment. love i josie. 
> 
> title from lana del ray's god bless america

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You good?”
> 
> “No, or - yes. Yes, I’m good,” Isak mutters, shooting Even a quick look. Only it’s never a quick look because at least half of the time Even will be smiling and his smile… Yeah, that’s something else. Isak really isn’t one for poetic metaphors — he’s a scientist after all — but it’s like someone’s bottled the sun and lets out a couple of rays every time this guy smiles. Every time it happens, Isak hardly has the presence of mind to smile back in time before Even walks away to clean some other table or serve coffee to someone or whatever it is he does when it’s this quiet. Then he’ll mentally beat himself up for looking like a complete dusthead in front of this… guy (not his crush, because he isn’t crushing. He isn’t.)
> 
> He isn’t crushing, and nevertheless this guy has become a Problem, because whenever he’s on shift he’s made it increasingly difficult for Isak to really spend his time productively. Sure, he could just find another place to study but he likes the access to coffee here even though he actually kind of hates the bitterness of it and he’s just not going to let himself get swept aside because of this guy.
> 
> In summary: Isak has been suffering. Terribly.

Listen. Isak knows that coffee shops are public places and all that, but is there really anything more annoying than some kid thinking it’s fine to watch funniest home videos on his laptop with the sound turned all the way up so everyone around can enjoy the stupid sound effects. Extra points deducted if the kid laughs every ten seconds when yet another person hurts themselves falling down.  
  
You’d think the sounds of the coffee shop would drown out a bit of the laughter but it’s almost irritatingly quiet and at this point Isak has spent most of his afternoon glaring at this kid instead of working through his assignment. He should’ve taken Sana up on that offer to go study at her place.  
  
“You good?” Isak looks up even though he knows who the voice belongs to.

He’s called Even, or so his name tag says, and he has swoopy hair and bright eyes and he’s really fucking tall and looks really good even in the ridiculous Kaffebrenneriet apron he wears.  
Isak stares at him in confusion for a couple of seconds too long before he realises he’s being asked if he wants to spend more of his hard-earned (dad-supplied) money on coffee by an employee of the establishment he’s currently in.  
  
“No, or - yes. Yes, I’m good,” Isak mutters, shooting Even a quick look.

Only it’s never a quick look because at least half of the time Even will be smiling and his smile… Yeah, that’s something else. Isak really isn’t one for poetic metaphors — he’s a scientist after all — but it’s like someone’s bottled the sun and lets out a couple of rays every time this guy smiles. Every time it happens, Isak hardly has the presence of mind to smile back in time before Even walks away to clean some other table or serve coffee to someone or whatever it is he does when it’s this quiet. Then he’ll mentally beat himself up for looking like a complete dusthead in front of this… guy (not his crush, because he isn’t crushing. He isn’t.)  
  
He isn’t crushing, and nevertheless this guy has become a Problem, because whenever he’s on shift he’s made it increasingly difficult for Isak to really spend his time productively. Sure, he could just find another place to study but he likes the access to coffee here even though he actually kind of hates the bitterness of it and he’s just not going to let himself get swept aside because of this guy.  
  
In summary: Isak has been suffering. Terribly.

Because the thing is, he’s really not looking for anything or anyone right now, despite Jonas and Eskild and Eva all telling him it would be good to just, maybe, entertain the idea. Really, het doesn’t get their concern, he isn’t planning to spend his entire life alone but he also feels like he has enough on his plate already. Building a relationship with his mum, coming to terms with his sexuality, trying to fend off his dad, keeping up his good grades, still dealing with what would probably be counted as an unhealthy amount of self-hatred for his past actions, fueled by anxiety and insomnia and buried deep under the thought that he shouldn’t be more of a burden for his friends than he’s already been for the past couple of years.  
  
So yeah, a boyfriend doesn’t sound like something he can handle on top of all of that right now, and yet his treacherous heart keeps jumping every time Even looks at him and gives him that smile. At least, he’s decided, he’s not going to act upon it.

He can (probably) keep dealing with the smiles and crinkly eyes, it’s all good. He’s all good.  
  
But lately, Even has taken to making conversation that lasts just a little bit longer than your average coffee shop employee-customer talk. He’ll ask Isak what he’s working on and he’ll look actually interested as Isak mutters something about memorising a bunch of biology terms, or Even’ll just chat about some weird American customer that asked him for a raspberry latte. Or he’ll do what he’s doing now and loiter _just_ a little longer around Isak’s table.  
  
“Light reading?”  
  
Isak’s head shoots up again so quickly he’s surprised he doesn’t get whiplash, and for a second he just stares at Even again, his brain not processing anything at all, before he follows Even’s gaze to the book lying in front of Isak. He’s been tearing his way through this book on parallel universes and he brought it with him to read if he finished his assignment early (which is obviously Not Happening).  
  
“Yeah,” he breathes out with a short laugh before having to actually restrain himself from hitting himself over the head. _Yeah? That’s what you can come up with? This god of a man talks to you and this is the best you can do?_ Isak generally considers himself a pretty witty person, he always has great comebacks whenever Magnus makes a helplessly ignorant remark and sometimes people actually laugh when he tells a joke so this, yeah this is a real disappointment.  
  
Even, however, does not seem discouraged, smiling amusedly at Isak. “Seriously? You are making your way through this for fun while I could probably not follow a single sentence of it. I don’t think I remember anything from my physics classes.”  
  
Isak can’t help but shoot Even a quick grin at that. “I mean, you shouldn’t feel bad, it’s really quite difficult stuff, lots of people don’t get it.”

Sure, Isak, insult the guy’s intelligence. This is going great.  
  
Even huffs out a laugh as well and he’s still looking at Isak with his intense eyes and there’s this distracting lock of hair falling over his forehead and Isak wishes he could just reach out and - nope. Gotta stop that thought there.  
  
“And here I was, thinking you were working really hard,” Even jokes and this, this Isak can deal with. He’s the _master_ of acting indignant over small things that don’t actually matter.  
  
“Excuse me? I _am_ here working really hard, on a _Friday_ , because I have professors that are so old they don’t remember how terrible it was being a student living off of coffee while some employee keeps… distracting you.” He’s trying to look at Even with a completely serious face but feels like he’s not really hitting the nail on the head, seeing as he can barely contain a smile as Even looks at him bemusedly.

“I know that feeling,” Even says, “I had this professor once ask us to write a paper on how to improve our favourite movie and I just. I mean, what can you improve about Romeo+Juliet, right? It’s the literal biggest masterpiece ever created? It just feels like I’m insulting it by trying to change anything about it,” he rakes a hand through his hair, frustrated, despite this event having seemingly happened a while back. “Everything just fits together perfectly, I can’t imagine the endless hours of work that must’ve gone into making it all just that. You know?”  
  
Isak doesn’t know. He has absolutely no clue at all what Even’s talking about and he’s really afraid it shows on his face and Even will walk away right then and there when he realises Isak is completely confused by this thing Even apparently has a lot of feelings about.

In the end he mutters, “I don’t think I’ve ever seen it, but I definitely trust your judgement.”  
  
It’s hilarious, the doubletake Even does. He looks positively stunned.

“Wait. You haven’t seen Baz Luhrmann’s Romeo+Juliet, aka the only version that counts?”  
  
“I think I read the play in secondary school,” Isak tries weakly.  
  
“No that — that doesn’t matter. I mean, that’s good but… You haven’t seen it? You have to watch it. They’re showing it in the theatre right now, actually, because of that Shakespeare month thing they’re doing.”  
  
Isak, who comes by the theatre on a semi-regular basis, frowns, because he’s pretty sure they’re not doing a Shakespeare thing at all. He says so to Even, who frowns as well, a really stupidly cute furrowing together of eyebrows, before he rolls his eyes again.  
  
“Yeah, I don’t mean the big theatre, I mean the independent one a couple of blocks from here. You know you shouldn’t spend your money on a corporation like the big theatre, you’re only feeding our capitalist society that way.”  
  
“You sound like my friend Jonas. Always going on about how capitalism is destroying everything...”  
  
“You should probably listen to us, then. The capitalists are out to get us all,” Even tells him solemnly. “But hey, Romeo+Juliet, I’m pretty sure they’re still playing it this week. You should go.”  
  
Isak isn’t sure why he’s disappointed. He really wasn’t expecting Even to ask him out or anything. They don’t really know each other, after all. Even just works here and Isak just… sits here and talks to him and is getting to know him and. Nope. He wasn’t and he isn’t looking for anyone because Isak’s a mess and he’s just. Not ready for any of that, the anxiety that comes with the entire concept of dating and liking people and yeah. All of that.

For some strange reason none of his rationalising really changes the churning in his stomach.  
  
Even’s gaze flicks to him and away for a second before he licks his lips and mutters, a little softer. “I was actually planning on going myself. I mean, I’ve seen it a dozen times but I can never pass up an opportunity to see it on the big screen. If you — I mean, if you want we could arrange to go see it at the same time. Together. And I could explain more of the genius to you.”  
  
Isak’s mind’s now going a hundred miles an hour. Is this a really roundabout way of this guy asking him out on a date or is this a really enthusiastic film nerd sharing his passion or both? It could be both, right? He should probably say no, Isak knows he should probably say no, but Even’s looking at him with those eyes and that stupid curl is still there and Isak really really really wants to reach out.

“I think that’d be chill,” he hears his own voice say. “I’m not that busy next week so yeah... that would be chill.”  
  
He is immediately rewarded with a smile that makes something warm flower in Isak’s chest and really, how can he regret any decision if it sparks a smile like that?  
  
“That’s chill,” Even says with a nod. “Can you do next Friday? My shift ends at five and I’m free for the rest of the evening, and you can take a break from your difficult...” he checks the cover of the book. “Parallel universes?”  
  
“It’s not that difficult,” Isak mutters, but he’s smiling.  
  
“You literally just told me it’s very difficult and, let me quote, “lots of people don’t get it”.” Isak rolls his eyes but Even just continues. “Please tell me this isn’t actually light reading for you? Tell me you have to read this for a class and you think there are too many numbers and graphs in it too.”  
  
“Too many graphs,” Isak scoffs, _as if there is such a thing_.  
  
“God, you’re really smart aren’t you?” Even asks and he sounds in awe and Isak is confused as to how anyone could be in awe of him but apparently it’s happening right now. “Okay. I — Shit, I need to go. Can I give you my number and we can decide what time we’ll go?”  
  
“Don’t you work here?” Isak asks, frowning.  
  
“Yeah, I got off like, twenty minutes ago,” Even replies easily, taking off his apron and plucking the pen Isak was playing with out of his hand so he can scribble a set of numbers on Isak’s hand, nevermind the fact that there are pieces of paper and napkins all around.  
  
_Oh._  
  
He has to catch himself before Even walks off.  
  
“You don’t even know my name!” Isak exclaims almost exasperatedly.  
  
Even turns around but keeps walking. Isak wants to warn him not to run into something but by some magical stroke of luck Even seems to avoid the tables and chairs sprawled around. Isak is momentarily rendered incapable of any thoughts when Even flashes him that sunshine-like smile of his.  
  
“I know who you are, Isak,” he says.  
  
“That’s not creepy at all,” Isak shoots back.  
  
“My job is literally writing your name on a cup of bitter liquid on a semi-regular basis, so yes, I know your name by now,” Even laughs fondly before the turns back around and the bell above the door chimes as he leaves, almost running around the corner.

Then, Even is gone and Isak is left putting the number scrawled on the back of his hand in his phone. He doesn’t get anything done for the rest of the afternoon.

—

Even is still positively _reeling_ from his — actually successful — attempt to ask Isak out (finally, the boys will be glad to hear that. They probably think they’re not going to have to listen to Even go on and on about this boy with the princely curls and concentrated frown that’s been coming in the past weeks anymore. Amateurs.) when he arrives at the school.

The grounds are already covered with chatting parents. He still feels a little out of place around them, most of them in their thirties and probably with all sorts of serious business jobs. At least now he knows where he needs to be, he still remembers standing here for the first time, in the midst of the crowds and with no idea at which of the two doors he should be waiting.  
  
Still, she spots him before he spots her, and suddenly there are two small arms around his midriff, and there’s a big wool red coat hugging him, and he hears a muffled voice say, “Pappa!”  
  
He’s quick to lift her booted feet of the concrete, holding her up so he can look her in the eye. Hanna’s grinning brightly, her two dark blond braids falling on her shoulders, as she holds out two pieces of drawn on paper.

“Look, we made drawings of our family today and I made one for you and one for mamma, so you can _both_ hang them up.”

She tries to show him but ends up shoving the papers in his face.  
  
“Wait, first, you said goodbye to your teacher? She won’t think I’m just kidnapping you if we walk out of here?”  
  
Hanna giggles and rolls her eyes, something she’s been prone to doing the last week and, let’s be honest, she probably picked up from him.

“I told her I saw you and I pointed and she saw you too because you’re _so tall_!”  
  
“I am indeed very tall,” he says solemnly, making his way out between the hordes of parents still waiting.

Once they’re out, he puts her down, squatting down so he’s on her level this time.

“Now, let’s give those masterpieces a good look, won’t we?”

She’s smiling again as she gives him one and holds up the other for him to see as well. One of them features Even, complete with a single, Elvis-like curl of hair on his head and Hanna. They’re holding stick-figure hands and she’s even written their names above it in her scrawled handwriting and now that he’s looking more carefully, it could just as well say Elvis.

Maybe she’s just drawn a blond Elvis instead of him, because who wouldn’t rather have Elvis as their dad? Then again, she’s six and probably doesn’t know who Elvis is, so maybe not.  
  
The second drawing is similar. Hanna’s there again, this time with a female stick figure, also with blond hair but lacking the Elvis-curl and _Sonja_ scrawled above it.  
  
“Look, I also drew grandma and grandpa’s dog because he’s part of the family too, right?” she says, pointing at the relatively animal-shaped figure on the drawing for Sonja.  
  
“He definitely is,” Even nods. “I love what you’ve done with the colours. That’s truly some masterful crayonwork. I think we’ve got us a true artist in the works here.”  
  
She’s laughing again. “Are you going to put it up on the fridge?”  
  
“This masterpiece? Duh, of course I’m putting it up on the fridge. Never taking it off, in fact,” he tells her seriously. “Even if some rich art people want to buy it for a trillion crowns.”

“You think mamma will like it too?”  
  
He looks at her for a second before nodding. “She’ll love it. She’ll probably put it up on the cork board by her desk and poach about your talent to all her colleagues. Now, what do you say the two of us get out of here and we go do groceries for tonight and maybe get some ice cream for dessert?”

 

They make their way home after groceries and as Even starts preparing dinner, Hanna, sitting on one of the kitchen counter tops, her legs swaying, chats happily about how two kids in the classroom got into a fight over who got to use the glitter, resulting in glitter being absolutely everywhere and Even is trying really hard to pay attention to the story but his mind keeps going back to that afternoon.

He still can’t quite believe that happened, that he’s very likely going to see his favourite movie of all time with what could very possibly be the most beautiful boy in the world.

Hanna pulls his arm, making him stumble. “Why is your head in a cloud?” she asks, now that she has his attention.  
  
“What?” he asks, frowning, as he hands her one of the carrots he’s been chopping for her to snack on. “My head is… in a cloud?”  
  
“Yeah. Mamma always says I have my head in a cloud when I forget to put on socks in the morning,” she says, with that tone that tells him it should be obvious.

He looks at her in confusion for a second as she looks at him, eyebrows raised, waiting for the coin to drop. It does, eventually, and he sighs, continuing to chop up the carrots with a smile.  
  
“Why is my head in the clouds, you mean?”  
  
“Whatever,” she says, and _wow, attitude_. He turns to her and this time it’s his turn to raise his eyebrows, silently asking _am I supposed to be impressed by that?_ He can see she’s trying to keep her face straight, because she’s six but she knows exactly how to play him and she loves it (he loves it too).

“Tell me!” she prompts, when it’s taking her too long.  
  
And, well, he’s not going to tell her he’s going on a date. Not yet. Not when he has no idea what it’s going to turn out to be. Just the thought that it’s not going to be _anything_ hurts his heart a little, but Even pushes that feeling away. This is not about him.

And yet, there comes a rush of all kinds of scenes playing out in his head of a life in which he has both Isak and Hanna and they all have each other, too. He tells himself to _calm the fuck down_ , they haven’t even gone on a first date yet, he shouldn’t be rushing these things. For Hanna’s benefit and for his own, and for Isak’s.

So for now, he keeps her at a bit of a distance. No use in getting her hopes up about anything.  
  
“I saw a friend today and I’m going to meet up with them and I’m excited about that,” he answers carefully, not meeting her gaze for a while.

“What kind of friend?”

“A friend from work.”

“Can I come to work with you to meet your friend?” she asks sweetly.

Now he turns to her, watches her nibble the carrot as she looks at him with those big eyes. “You just want to come by so you can steal all the cookies again and have me make you hot chocolate all the time.”  
  
“Nooo,” she drags the word out as long as she can. “I really want to meet your work friend, pappa!”  
  
“Sure you do,” he says, voice full of sarcasm. “You know what you also really want to do? Clear your drawings off the table so we can have dinner there.”  
  
“Can’t we eat on the couch? You said we could watch Star Wars when I was with you again!”  
  
She got him there. He knows this is his own fault. After he convinced her to watch the first movie with him by telling her there was a character there with her name, she became completely obsessed with Han Solo (she made Sonja and him call her Hanna Solo for two weeks and apparently got angry at her teacher when she wouldn’t extend her the same courtesy).

Then again, he can’t really blame her because Han Solo is a great character and damn if Harrison Ford doesn’t look good in those movies.  
  
She’s already preparing the movie and he knows he’s not going to say no anymore because secretly (and not so secretly) he would love for her to become a film nerd just like he is.

“Don’t tell mamma I keep letting you watch movies during dinner!” he tells her.  
  
“She already knows,” Hanna replies cheerfully as the familiar theme music starts playing.

 

It’s only when Hanna’s off to bed later that night, after having insisted that she could watch the whole movie but falling asleep after an hour, that he allows himself to check his phone for a message from Isak. To his delight (and relief) there are three.

There’s also a text from Sonja about what time she can pick up Hanna on Sunday and he makes sure to reply to that before switching to the conversation with Isak.  
  
**(unknown) so hey, now you have my number too**  
  
**(unknown) this is isak by the way**  
  
**(unknown) in case you give your phone number to loads of people you bother while you’re supposed to be working**

And Even, Even is giddy as he saves the number in his phone, restraining from putting a little heart behind Isak’s name just yet, and replies.

_oh right, which one are you again? the science nerd or the one that always watches funniest home videos with their volume on 100_

He gets a reply within a minute, which makes him possibly even happier, his heart jumping in his chest.

 **(Isak) don’t you dare compare me to the bane of my fucking existence**  
  
**(Isak) I don’t think shakespeare would have approved**

 _first of all, shakespeare would have definitely approved of that_  
  
_second of all, I don’t care about shakespeare_  
  
_I care about baz luhrmann_

**(Isak) who?**

  
_oh isak…_

**(Isak) excuse me for not being a complete nerd, even**

And wow, does Even wish this were live and he could hear Isak say his name out loud because he bets it would sound great.

_could you hear me snort from here?_

  
**(Isak) shut up**  
  
**(Isak) point is, I’m so much more charming than that funniest home videos-watching fucker**

Without a second’s hesitation Even texts back.

_that you are_

He’s met with silence for ten seconds, then twenty, then thirty and he starts to wonder if that was too fast but then

 **(Isak) shut up**  
  
**(Isak) <3**

And yeah, Even is completely done for, leaning his head against the wall behind him, eyes closed. He feels like a teenager again, the way his heart is racing, the way his blood is pumping at this small interaction. It’s just, he hasn’t allowed himself to have this for a long time. He knows Sonja keeps saying it’s all good but the past couple of years he couldn’t help but feel like his sole responsibility and focus should be Hanna. She should have the best life and he should do everything to make sure that’s what she gets.

He remembers the moment he first saw her, the way his heart burst open at this tiny human being that was alive and that he got to love and he remembers how privileged he felt — still feels every single day.

Every time she makes him a drawing or tells him she loves him or smiles, his heart does this tiny jump in his chest, and he just feels so lucky to have her in his life.  
  
But it’s also meant he’s been holding off this sort of stuff. No relationships because shit, how complicated would that get? He has a kid and he has a mental illness and who the fuck would want to put up with all of that, right?

Not that he thinks Hanna is something to put up with but sometimes he guesses he can sort of entertain the possibility that not every stranger on the street would just hand her the world the way he’s prepared to do. She’s _his_ daughter, after all. But lately his mother and the boys and his therapist have been getting to him a little, telling him over and over again that maybe it doesn’t need to be an either/or situation. That it’s possible to have both (he can’t quite believe he would get to be that lucky but. Maybe.)

And the fact that this beautiful boy suddenly became a regular at the coffee shop little more than a month ago probably helped as well.  
  
His phone buzzes again.

**(Isak) ok can we pretend that last thing didn’t send and that I didn’t just do something incredibly dumb**

And shit, Even hadn’t quite realised that he’d been staring at his ceiling, wrapped up in his own mind, for the past couple of minutes. He licks his lips, thinks for a second before replying.

 _no can do, sorry_  
  
_I think it’s time for me to hit the hay. Busy day at work tomorrow_

  
**(Isak) ?**

  
_there might be this person I want to impress there so I need my rest_

**(Isak) you spelled annoy wrong**

 

_oh shit you thought I meant you? I’m sorry isak, I just really felt a conection with the bane of your fucking existence_

**(Isak) I’m gonna go, I should get some sleep if I want to not snap off the head of that annoying kaffebrenneriet employee tomorrow**  
  
**(Isak) good night even**

  
_good night isak_  
  
<3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lmao did u see that blink & u miss it moment of isak thinking he wasn't falling for even what a joke


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometime during the weekend, Even asks him if he’s free next Friday and Isak thinks of the plans he had (sitting in his room with instant noodles, a bag of doritos and the new season of Narcos) and replies _sure, sounds good_.
> 
> So that settles that, and Isak now has a big, blinking “movie w/ even” in his calendar that he’s begun to stare at when he doesn’t have anything else to do. It feels like time isn’t moving, like the whole thing isn’t going to happen at all until it’s suddenly Friday evening.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> date time!!! also (texting) time with the balloon boys!! ALSO disclaimer that there is a distinct lack of boy squad in this fic?? i had originally planned to have bits with both the balloon boys and the boy squad but it kind of just turned out this way (looking at u josie) so i'm sorry?? jonas and eva are there though, mahdi and magnus are just.. missing. for weeks. they're fine though don't worry. 
> 
> anyway, enjoy the chapter!!

Sometime during the weekend, Even asks him if he’s free next Friday and Isak thinks of the plans he had (sitting in his room with instant noodles, a bag of doritos and the new season of Narcos) and replies _sure, sounds good_.

So that settles that, and Isak now has a big, blinking “movie w/ even” in his calendar that he’s begun to stare at when he doesn’t have anything else to do.

It feels like time isn’t moving, like the whole thing isn’t going to happen at all until it’s suddenly Friday evening.

Meeting Even at the theatre is as much thrilling as it is terrifying. After sending that stupid heart, like a fucking _idiot_ because what the fuck even happened to not needing a relationship, he’s been mortified.

He remembers texting Jonas immediately afterwards with a screenshot and a _murder me_. Jonas, in return, had turned out to be the least helpful best friend ever, completely missing the point when the only response Isak got was _aw, go get ‘em tiger_.

The fact that Even sent a heart back did only a little bit to relieve his mortification.

When he gets to the theatre, Even is already waiting, bouncing on the balls of his feet. His face lights up when he sees Isak approaching and yeah, Isak can’t help but smile back.

Even had made it a habit, the past week, to join Isak’s table at the end of his shift or during his break and they’d just… talk. Joke around a bit until Even’s coworkers hauled his ass back to the counter to come take care of the rest of the customers.

Isak learns that Even finished his film degree last year and that he cringes exaggeratedly every time Isak mentions watching Transformers or Die Hard (which means Isak tries to sneak it into conversation as much as possible because he’s a cheeky little shit, especially now that he’s kind of maybe a little bit loosening up around Even).

He learns that Even actually hates coffee himself and that one of his favourite artists is Nas (”Naaaas?” Isak asks, feeling his face warm up when Even starts laughing and pulls Isak’s laptop towards him).

He learns that Even loves him with glasses.

At some point, as he got distracted once again watching Even make a drink for some customer, Isak realises that his whole “don’t get a crush”-attitude has pretty much gone straight out of the window (he basically threw it out himself) and as long as he doesn’t spend too much time thinking about what that means exactly he’s fine with it.

He’s completely _fine_ with Even offering to walk him to class at some point when the end of his shift and the beginning of Isak’s lecture more or less coincide.

He’s more than fine! He’s _great_.

In the evenings, they text. Even sends pictures of the dinner he’s cooking, healthy things like pasta with vegetables and quiche ( _quiche_!), Isak shoots back a picture of the pizza he just microwaved (then Even will say something about how he’ll cook Isak a real dinner soon and Isak will get flustered even though they’re only texting and he’ll quickly change the subject).

When Isak’s still awake at 3am, he reads back over their conversations and tries to rate his own awkwardness on a Likert scale but feels like that gets kind of sad after a while.

And then suddenly the week was almost over and Isak realised the date was also actually happening and there were the nerves crawling around in his stomach again.

Sure, he’s excited too but right now, his hands are shaking a little and he can’t remember which tram to take to the theatre and what if he can’t find anything to talk about anymore? What if Even suddenly realises Isak is a really fucking boring person and that his life is made up out of studying and not sleeping and regret?

So, because Isak apparently doesn’t know how to deal with his own problems, he skypes Eva. She, as expected, listens to his story patiently but also takes none of his bullshit.

“Isak,” she says, her voice very clear. “From what you’ve told me, this guy is totally over the moon for you. And I know your impostor syndrome has a hard time accepting this but I’m going to say it anyway: you’re a cool person and the reason this guy’s asked you out is because he’s actually seen that too. Your silly brain needs to take a deep breath and rationalise this.”

“I _am_ rationalising this, which is why—”

“Do you think this guy is really dumb? Or has like… no knowledge of how human beings work?” she interrupts him.

Isak’s quiet for a second and thinks of Even remembering his favourite drinks based on the time of day before he says, “No.”

“Right. So isn’t assuming that he’s too stupid to see through your supposed I-am-an-interesting-person ruse actually kind of selling him short?”

Isak grumbles something and huffs exaggeratedly.

“Exactly,” Eva replies. “Now go out there and let him know how much you want to kiss his face, kay?”

So here Isak is, feeling only slightly more ready than before.

The moment he sees Even beaming at him though, a tiny bit of the fear roaming around in his stomach settles down. He takes a couple of deep breaths as he closes the distance between them.

“You found it,” Even greets him, “I was afraid you would automatically walk into the arms of capitalism instead of coming here.”

“You want me to call Jonas? I’m sure he’d love to sit here and talk about how much we’re all contributing to the destruction of the world. Then I can just go in there and watch this movie in peace.”

“Like hell, I’m not letting you watch this movie alone. Who’s going to hold your hand when you start crying?” Even says, guiding the two of them inside.

“Me? You think I’ll cry?” Isak asks in indignation.

“There’s nothing wrong with crying, Isak,” Even replies patiently and Isak tries to ignore his heart jumping up a little when Even says his name.

“Now you sound like my guru,” Isak sighs, rolling his eyes.

“Excuse me?” Even sounds delighted and nope, they’re not going there.

“Nothing, nevermind, you didn’t hear any of that. Let’s go watch this movie. Come on, Even.”

Even stares at him for a second, a smile spreading across his face but before Isak can ask what he’s looking at Even nods and follows him.

 

Isak makes sure to wipe away the tears that found their way across his cheek quickly once the movie is over.

When he dares to look to his right, he finds Even already looking at him, a small smile on his face, but he’s so clearly not laughing at Isak that Isak can’t find it in himself to act annoyed.

“What a shit movie,” Isak mutters, staring at the credits rolling by. “This is your favourite? That’s terrible.”

“Wasn’t it beautiful, though?” Even prompts him and Isak frowns.

“Up until the moment they both _died_.” He realises too late that maybe he sounds a little sharp, especially since it’s not like he didn’t know how the story ended. But something obviously hit a nerve here.

Isak knows tragedy.

He’s seen tragedy and it was his father walking out on him and his mother. It was his mother crying and Isak feeling so fucking helpless because he’s fifteen and he doesn’t know shit about how the world works and he _hates_ himself for it. That’s tragedy and not a single second of it was beautiful.

“And why? Because of some bullshit feud and idiotic ideas about love and parents that obviously felt no fucking sense of responsibility. None of that is okay.”

 _Jesus fuck_. It’s not even real and he’s getting so worked up but he can’t help it. He’s afraid to look up.

He doesn’t want to see Even disappointed because Isak is an idiot that doesn’t understand movies or something.

When the silence lasts too long, he forces his eyes away from the screen.

Even is still looking at him, but he’s not angry, or disappointed. He has a little frown on his face, like he’s trying to figure something out, like he’s trying to figure _Isak_ out and that… that’s a scary thought. It’s scary because a part of him is afraid of what Even will find when he does look deeper, and he’s afraid of how much he wants Even to see him.

“Sorry,” he mumbles, but before he can continue Even interrupts him.

“Don’t apologise. You’re right.”

“I’m hating on your favourite movie, that’s not —”

“Isak. It’s not going to stop being my favourite movie because of what you said. It’s my favourite movie because it means a lot to me in a lot of ways. But you’re right,” Even’s quiet for a second, thinking. “I think that, for a long time, I held on to this idea that tragedy is something beautiful. Romantic, even.” he huffs. “Maybe it made me feel better about myself. But I don’t… I don’t think that anymore. This movie though…” and at that he stares at the credits for a second, like he’s still seeing the movie play out in front of him.

“It introduced me to film. And to how much you can do with it. Every shot, every song, every setting, _everything_ has meaning. All the colours, all the words. Everything is deliberate.”

Isak has so many questions. _What do you mean, made you feel better about yourself? What changed?_

When he meets Even’s gaze, excited, dreamy almost, he takes a breath and decides that maybe tonight is not the night for that.

Instead, he says, “Tell me more about that.” and lets the questions go.

 

He lets Even convince him to get a drink in the small cafe attached to the theatre (maybe convince is a strong word, seeing as he doesn’t really object like, at all). Spending time with Even like this… it’s surprisingly easy.

They talk about all sorts of things and when Isak tells Even about one of his classes and goes on a bit of a tangent, Even doesn’t look like he’s bored for a second. In return, Even talks about how hard he worked to get his film degree, about all nighters he pulled while editing his final short film, about the time his main actress broke her arm while they were filming and they decided to use that take and just roll with the rest of the story.

When Even falls silent, Isak asks the thing that’s been on his mind. “So why aren’t you directing movies?”

Even huffs out a short laugh, though it doesn’t sound very happy. “Because you need money to do so. And time. And experience. All of which I don’t really have.”

“You’re young. Can’t you just, I don’t know, throw yourself into it?”

Isak doesn’t know when he became such an idealist. He’s learned by now that Even _is_ , though (despite the love of tragedies), so this just doesn’t really click. This vibrant, full-of-life guy stuck working in a Kaffebrenneriet.

“I mean, working in a coffee shop can’t be very inspiring.”

“Well…” Even says with a meaningful look in Isak’s direction and though it’s cheesy as fuck Isak feels a blush rise to his cheeks.

He rolls his eyes.

“Yeah, okay, whatever, I’m going to ignore that,” he says, and before Even can interrupt him he continues. “I’m serious. You’re exactly the kind of guy that would just throw his apron in your boss’s face someday and declare you’re going to live on instant noodles for the next six months so you can make your movies instead. So like… why aren’t you doing that?”

Something kind of strange happens. Even seems to zone out for a second, the look in his eyes suddenly very far away. The smile that was on his face before falls slightly and Isak’s heart falls with it. Then, Even meets his gaze, his smile a little resigned now.

“I just. I can’t just do that. Responsibilities, you know?”

A beat of silence.

“What kind of responsibilities?” Isak asks.

Even meets his gaze and Isak feels the heaviness of this moment, sees Even deliberating, clearly fighting some kind of internal battle with himself.

For a second, he thinks Even is actually going to answer him, the way he licks his lips quickly, but then at the last moment a glass falling somewhere in the cafe makes them both look up, and the moment passes.

Isak lets it go again.

 

—

 

Because Even is a hopeless romantic he insists on walking Isak home, despite Isak treating him on some major eye rolls when he suggests so. The walk is quiet but it’s good.

After it happens three times he’s sure that Isak’s knuckles brushing his isn’t an accident and every time it sends a shock through him.

Outside of the flat, leaning against one of the lampposts, he waits for a second, staring as Isak plays with the sleeve of his jacket, obviously deliberating something (whether he should ask Even up?).

To be honest, Even doesn’t really care what happens. He’s enjoying this moment, seeing Isak’s gaze flick towards him a couple of times, a tiny smile playing around his lips when Isak finally meets his eye, staring up at Even through his eyelashes.

Even doesn’t think he’s ever seen anything like it before.

“I think my roommates are probably home,” Isak mutters, almost so quietly that Even doesn’t hear him.

“Cool,” Even replies, amused.

“That’s not like a… a scheme to get you to not come up, or something. It’s just. Eskild is going to put you through a third degree if he sees you. He’s probably the closest you’re going to get to a scary dad-talk. Only he’s not really scary and he’s also not my dad.”

Isak’s rambling and it’s adorable. Even has half a mind of letting him go on for a while just to see him get a little more flustered.

He’s also taking quiet notice of the dad-remark, adding it to the list of casual hints Isak’s been dropping through their conversations that there’s something going on there that doesn’t completely sit right with him.

“It’s fine,” he interrupts with a grin. “I wish I could come up but I should probably get home in time. Got an early shift in the morning.”

And that’s… Even would like to call it an obscuring of the facts.

It’s kind of a lie, because he’s not actually going to work tomorrow and if he didn’t know Isak never comes in before 10 in the morning and _definitely_ never earlier on a Saturday he wouldn’t have taken the risk.

It’s also not really a lie because Hanna is known for jumping on his bed at 7 and insisting he make her breakfast.

Damn, will he be glad when she can reach the cupboards on her own.

Isak hums in understanding. “Tough luck.”

“Could be worse.”

They’re both quiet for a second.

“Thanks for tonight,” Isak says then. “I mean… that movie was awful but the rest was pretty good. Being with you was good.”

He can see Isak almost physically flinch away from his own awkwardness but Even’s heart bursts open.

“Being with you was good, too,” he says, smiling.

It’s November and it’s cold. Their breaths are making little clouds in the air around them and Even is framing the scene in his head.

A wide shot of the two of them, the only light coming from the lamppost. A close up of Isak’s face, then a cut to his hands, the way he’s playing with his own fingers. A cut, both their faces in shot as they finally look up. Maybe he’d make some snow happen, if he was feeling extra dramatic.

Even’s eyes flick to the sky for a second, but the night is clear up there and the stars are out.

The stars will have to do then.

When he looks back, it looks like Isak’s stepped a little closer. His face is all flushed from the cold and Even wants so, so badly to kiss him.

He’s pretty sure he can feel his own heartbeat in his fingertips, as he carefully shuffles forward a little.

Isak’s eyes are trained at the ground so he must see it happening but he doesn’t react, except for a slight intake of breath that Even isn’t quite sure he’s imagining.

Slowly, Even crosses the space between them, reaching out with his hand to one of Isak’s. Now he’s sure he can hear a sharp breath. Isak’s fingers are freezing.

Carefully, so Isak has enough time to get away if he’s not ready, he pulls Isak towards him by the hand he’s now holding.

“Is this okay?” he asks, and his voice is a whisper, but by now Isak’s so close Even is sure he’s heard it.

Isak nods, though his eyes are still looking at something marvelously interesting at their feet.

“Sure?”

Finally (finally _finally_ ) Isak looks up. They’re so close Even can feel his breath hit his face, so close their noses are almost touching.

Isak breathes out a “yes” before he leans forward, crossing the last bit of space between them and suddenly Even is being kissed by the most beautiful boy and for a second he’s stunned, his heart beating in his throat at the feeling of soft lips against his.

The hand that is not still holding Isak’s slides up to the other boy’s face, curling into his neck to pull him just a bit closer.

It’s been a while since Even’s been kissed and it’s certainly been a while since Even’s been kissed like _this_.

He’s not sure how long it takes, but when they pull apart slowly it feels both like ages have gone by and like no time has passed at all.

The street is still quiet around them. In the distance, Even can hear people laughing and yelling.

For a while he doesn’t know what to say, just taking in the way Isak is looking at him. His face is still flushed — Even would like to believe it’s not only from the cold now — and the look in his eyes is a little more bashful. He’s smiling, too, and damn if it isn’t one of the most beautiful smiles Even’s ever seen (though he can’t quite deny that’s what he thinks to himself every time Isak smiles).

“I’m, eh,” Isak isn’t quite sure where to look now but he’s still holding Even’s hand and Even drinks it all in. “I’m gonna go upstairs now.”

“That’s chill.”

And there it is again, that magnificent eye roll, accompanied by a deep sigh. He tries to let go of Even’s hand, but Even’s not quite ready to do the same.

Instead, he pulls Isak towards him once more, pecks his cheek, and watches a wonderful blush rise to Isak’s face.

“Bye, Even.” Isak says emphatically.

“Bye, Isak,” Even says, fondly.

Isak stares at him for three more seconds before he nods, turns around and goes inside. Even himself takes another few seconds, breathing in the quiet before he turns around and makes his own way home.

 

Even takes care to close the door behind him softly, so as to not disturb the silence inside the apartment.

The memory of Isak’s lips is still clear in his mind, the whole scene has practically been playing on repeat in his mind the whole way home.

At the same time, it’s like there’s a switch pulled once the door latches. There’s a bright red coat on the coat rack and yellow wellies with a Pokemon toy stuffed inside them on the floor. A different version of him takes the ropes now — not a worse or better version necessarily. Just different.

He finds the two of them in the living room, only a small light still on next to Sonja so she can still read her book. One of her hands is holding the pages in place while the book sits on the arm rest of the couch, the other is weaving through Hanna’s hair. The little girl’s head is on Sonja’s lap, and she’s asleep, curled up under a blanket, her socked feet peeking out from underneath it on the other side of the couch.

When he steps inside, Sonja looks up, quickly following his gaze back to Hanna.

“She insisted she was going to stay up until you came back but I think she fell asleep a half an hour into her wake. She was knackered, they’ve been preparing for the play… Did you get that email from the school about parents helping out with decor and setting up?”

“Yeah, I checked and I’m pretty sure I can be there to help on at least one of the evenings. Does she know if she’s gets to play a part yet?”

Sonja shakes her head, closing her book as Even quickly looks through the mail on the table.

“Nope, but today she was saying she’d much rather just order everyone else around. Like you.”

“She said that?” Even’s not sure whether to be incredibly proud or a teeny tiny bit insulted.

“Maybe not in those words,” Sonja shrugs. “But then again, she mentioned she wanted to play the ladybug too, so it could go either way.”

Even huffs and then it’s quiet, apart from Hanna’s heavy sleep-breathing.

There’s an ease, he thinks, that comes with talking to someone who’s known you through so much of your life. You can always fall into a conversation, you don’t really need a beginning. Sometimes it’s like you’ve never stopped.

He can’t really help himself to contrast it with this thing he’s been building with Isak.

There’s always so much going on, he’s constantly taking in everything because there’s not a second he wants to miss, because every glimpse into Isak’s life and brilliant brain is worth it.

“So, how was it?” Sonja’s voice breaks through his thoughts.

A warmth uncurls in his stomach at the mere thought of the evening.

“It was really good,” he says softly.

Where once this would have been awkward, talking to his ex, the mother of his child, about his new crush, it doesn’t feel like that anymore.

Maybe the fact that when Sonja started dating again, she took it upon herself to make sure Even knew of every terrible date she went on kind of broke the ice.

“He’s… He’s amazing. I just. It’s hard to explain but there’s this thing about him and I just want to be around him all the time because everything he does is interesting. He’s a scientist and he spent ten minutes trying to explain this thing to me which I didn’t get but he was so passionate about it and he was trying so hard to just simplify it enough for me to grasp but…” he trails off.

She’s quiet again, thinking. Then she asks, “Does he know?” It’s soft, almost like she feels bad about asking, but she does it anyway.

And suddenly he’s reminded of why they don’t work together.

He knows she means well, that she’s looking out for him, that she just doesn’t want to see him hurt when everything (inevitably) comes tumbling down.

He’s not even sure what she’s referring to, the bipolar disorder or Hanna and he hates that he has put those two next to each other.

When the silence lasts long enough for her to grasp the answer, he sighs. “We’ve been on one date.”

“You’re right,” she says, but he can tell by the slightly-too-long silence that she’s holding back, that she wants to warn him and tell him to be careful and that these sorts of things come out one way or another and the best way is to just rip off the band-aid.

He knows all of these things because he’s heard it before, heard her tell him them before, he’s told himself all of this before.

And true, he’s been hurt before.

He doesn’t want to think about this now.

He wants to just revel in the happiness he felt until ten minutes ago, the kind that just wrapped itself around him completely, so he says, “Thanks for being here with her tonight. I asked Lena to come but she’s in the middle of exam period…”

Thank god, Sonja takes the cue for what it is and closes her book.

“No problem,” she says, and he isn’t sure if he’s imagining the resign in her voice.

She bends forward to kiss Hanna’s head before lifting it off her lap and carefully lying it on the couch.

They both hold their breath for a couple of seconds as the little girl stirs, turns on her other side and sleeps on.

Soon, he’s alone again. Finally, Even allows himself to take a couple of deep breaths. He knows the whole “tell Isak” thing is not something he can run from. But he also feels like now is not the time.

It’s selfish, he _knows_ — he’s keeping this part of his life completely separated from the rest, from all the complications, like a bubble of good things. As long as he doesn’t let anything else in, he won’t risk it bursting.

He’s pretending these things can exist apart from each other in peace and harmony but at the same time he realises that there’s no way he can actually keep that going for long.

Hanna stirs again, opens her eyes a little this time, and he quickly wraps her up in his arms, carries her to bed as he silently tells her he loves her.

She’s out like a night light the second her head hits her pillow, and he watches her for a little.

Everything about this scene is quiet.

For some reason, Hanna manages to be an extremely still sleeper when she’s in her bed alone, but when she crawls into his after a nightmare, he gets woken up by small kicking legs or a sweeping hand in his face at least once a night.

It’s such a fucking cliche, but before she existed he’d known love, sure. He’d fallen (deeply) in love, he loved his parents, loved his friends, but this kind of love wasn’t something he could have imagined. It’s not just in his heart, it’s everywhere. He loves this small human with every fiber in his being. It’s a little ridiculous, actually.

 

When he gets back to the couch, his phone is lighting up with notifications and he doesn’t even have to check where they’re coming from.

[Elias changed the chat title to EVEN BECH NÆSHEIM TELL US ABOUT YOUR FUCKING DATE]

**(Elias) even are u back from the date yet**

**(Elias) evennnn**

**(Elias) e v e n**

**(Adam) yea man I got an early shift tomorrow can you hurry up with the highlights already**

**(Elias) e v e n b e c h n æ s h e i m**

**(Yousef) He’s not a demon you can summon**

**(Elias) if he’s annoyed by the notifications he’ll understand a fraction of the suffering we’ve had to endure while he’s been going on and on about curly boy again for the past weeks**

**(Elias) you hear me?? WEEKS EVEN**

**(Elias) YOU OWE US THIS**

_you guys really are nothing without me, hm_ _?_

**(Mutta) AT LAST**

**(Mutta) THE MAN OF THE HOUR**

**(Adam) the late hour, one might even say**

  
_sorry for thinking bringing my daughter to bed had a higher priority than talking to a set of dorks_

**(Elias) did u guys just see that**

**(Yousef) We sure did**

**(Mutta) say hi to hanna from me tell her I haven’t forgotten about our future snowball fight**

**(Elias) was that truly even bech fucking næsheim calling US a set of dorks**

**(Yousef) The man that made us watch both Pretty Woman and Notting Hill back to back because he was writing some paper and kept pausing the movie to tell us about meaningful sequences and dramatic irony**

**(Mikael) hey in this house we love and respect pretty woman and notting hill**

_yeah don’t pretend you guys didn’t enjoy that_

_julia roberts, hugh grant & richard gere_

_there’s something there for everyone!!_

_(mutta she’s asleep but I’ll tell her tomorrow)_

**(Elias) THAT’S NOT THE POINT EVEN**

**(Elias) also I want to have a snowball fight a with hanna too??**

**(Adam) yo get to the date man I can’t sleep until I know**

**(Adam) it’s like a bedtime story**

**(Mutta) what if it doesn’t end well**

_we’ll all have the snowball fight together, how about that?? no one needs to feel left out_

**(Elias) EVEN JUST TELL US**

**(Elias) YOU CAN’T LEAVE ADAM WITH NIGHTMARES**

_…_

**(Mikael) don’t make me come over there**

_yeah it ends well :)_

**(Mutta) that’s our guy!!!!!!**

**(Elias) give us more give us more give us omre**

**(Elias) *more**

**(Mutta) omre**

**(Elias) bro shut up**

**(Mikael) But yeah we’re gonna need more buddy. Did he cry? Did he swoon into your arms?**

_we went for a drink afterwards and we talked for a long time_

_he’s so smart??? I mean he tried to explain me stuff about the things he’s studying and I didn’t understand a single thing_

_but he makes it sound really cool it almost made me enjoy science_

**(Adam) romantic**

_jealoussss_

_anyway then I walked him home bc sonja was still with hanna here_

**(Adam) did u kiss**

**(Yousef) Knowing Even’s romantic ass he probably found some pool for them to kiss in**

_that’s such a good plan_

_I mean it would’ve been kind of cold but_

_damn I should’ve thought of that_

_we just kissed in front of his apartment now_

**(Elias) thEY KISSED**

**(Adam) I can go to sleep happily now**

_but he didn’t like the movie, actually_

**(Yousef) Oh shit**

**(Mikael) rip even**

_I’m not dead?????_

**(Elias) I don’t understand you said it ended well???**

_it was fine!!_

**(Mutta) ……………**

**(Yousef) Wow you’re really gone for this guy hm**

**(Elias) no going back now**

_no going back now_

Even switches to Isak’s conversation for a second and stares at the profile picture for a bit before he decides that’s probably considered a little weird.

He’s deliberating whether to send a goodnight message when his phone buzzes.

**(Isak) you get home okay?**

_aw isak were you worried?_

**(Isak) don’t be a dick**

_I got home fine_

_I mean I almost got ran over by a truck but that was kinda your fault so_

**(Isak) ???? wtf**

_I was a little distracted_

**(Isak) how is that my fault**

_you were the distracting factor in this equation!!!_

_I thought you were good at maths_

**(Isak) asshole**

_aw_

_cute_

**(Isak) I’m going to sleep now**

_dream of me?_

_isakkkk it’s rude to ignore someone whose favourite movie you just bashed_

_fine_

_night, isak_

_< 3_

**(Isak) <3**

 

Despite his own insistence not to let Sonja ruin this for him, Even’s still a little worried.

Lying with his head on Mikael’s lap and his feet on Mutta’s, a couple of days later, staring at the ceiling with the weird stain, he kind of just wants to talk about it. He knows he’s complaining but, fuck it, honestly. They’re his friends and they complain about all kinds of stuff all the time (that girl that chews too loudly in Mutta’s class, that time they went to feed the ducks with Hanna but there were no ducks, Sana not being impressed when Yousef explains her how to handle carrots).

He needs to talk about this, or it’s going to eat him up inside. So he explains, awkwardly, and they listen.

“Sonja thinks I should just tell him…” Even mutters finally.

“She said that?” Elias asks, throwing a small bouncing ball Adam’s way, who in turn throws it to Yousef.

“She insinuated.”

“Honestly man,” Adam says, “not to be rude or anything but who cares what Sonja thinks? Like obviously if it’s something to do with Hanna you two gotta talk about that and whatever but, like, she can’t tell you what to do. You don’t have to listen to her about this. Just do what feels right.”

Even thinks about that for a second, staring up at the ceiling again.

At some point the ball crosses his view, Mikael catching it just before it hits him in the head.

Maybe they’re right. Sonja and he, they communicate just fine when it comes to Hanna. Apart from that… it can get a little rough around the edges.

He thinks that’s probably because of how well they know each other, too.

The way she assumes she knows what he’s thinking before he’s even allowed to figure it out himself.

The way he, in turn, gets snappy too soon because every inquiry about his life feels like an intrusion.

“I just,” he starts, worrying his lip. “Isn’t it unfair to him? If I don’t tell him what he’s getting into?”

They’re all quiet for a second before Yousef says, “I don’t… I don’t think so man. You don’t owe your entire life story to him just because you like him, right? It’s like, if you’re going to get more serious, then yeah, you should talk about it because good relationships aren’t built on keeping shit from each other but for now… If it feels better just keeping that at a distance and give you both some time to get to know each other, I think that’s fine.”

“Says the guy who still hasn’t gotten his act together about a certain girl,” Even replies, turning to Yousef with a grin on his face.

“Look at you pretending you know anything about relationships,” Mutta says cheerily, dodging the pillow Yousef throws at him. “Been watching a lot of Dr. Phil lately?”

“None of you are allowed to judge,” Yousef replies, staring at them in disbelief. “Sorry, weren’t we just listening to Even moan about the fact that he finally got to kiss nerdy kid’s face?”

At that, they all turn back to Even and Yousef sags in relief.

“Listen,” Elias says, “you do whatever you want, okay? You’re an adult. We think you’re good either way. As long as you like, don’t drop the kid thing on him right before you’re getting married you’re good.”

Even groans, hiding his face in his hands. “I guess.”

“No more guessing, man! Just enjoy it!”

And yeah, maybe they’re right. Maybe he should just let himself actually enjoy it. Be in _this_ moment instead of all the ones in the future.

Mikael ruffles his hair and Even lets himself revel in much he loves his friends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading & if you enjoyed it i'd love it if you let me know by leaving kudos and/or comments <3 
> 
> i'm on [tumblr & on ](http://minjard.tumblr.com)[twitter](http://twitter.com/jostvns) so you can always come talk to me there!! there's also a tumblr post for this chapter [here](http://minjard.tumblr.com/post/165739593477/take-me-as-i-am-pairing-even-bech-n%C3%A6sheimisak)!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The next couple of weeks go by in a rush, mostly because Isak spends more time studying at the cafe than at home. Midterms are coming up and he’s on the edge of a breakdown 24/7, to say the least. Even’s clearly noticed, seeing as he’s been giving Isak herbal tea or hot chocolate whenever he asks for a double espresso and not even Isak’s whiny “but I’m a _customer_ you’re supposed to give me what I want” changes his mind.
> 
> At some point Eva and Jonas stage an intervention in the middle of the cafe when Isak is about to throw a fit after they refuse to quiz him while they’re having lunch.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> disclaimer: i do not study biology i haven't done biology in like six years i went onto the website of my uni, clicked biology and started looking through old research subjects and picked out terms that sounded complicated. i'm... terrible. if you DO do biology and think this is the dumbest thing ever please tell me i can replace them by other terms if u give them to me promise
> 
> s/o to jose for being my cheerleader nd also the rest of the kardemommefam as always and also s/o to julia for being super amazing 
> 
> also i have my own version of even post-bakka episode written out completely, it was in here first but it kind of didn't fit right in this part of the story but i will post it later as part of the universe!!

The next couple of weeks go by in a rush, mostly because Isak spends more time studying at the cafe than at home. Midterms are coming up and he’s on the edge of a breakdown 24/7, to say the least. Even’s clearly noticed, seeing as he’s been giving Isak herbal tea or hot chocolate whenever he asks for a double espresso and not even Isak’s whiny “but I’m a _customer_ you’re supposed to give me what I want” changes his mind.

At some point Eva and Jonas stage an intervention in the middle of the cafe when Isak is about to throw a fit after they refuse to quiz him while they’re having lunch.

“You’re the _worst_ friends in the whole entire world,” Isak hisses at them at the exact time Even comes by to give him his tea. “I don’t want the fucking tea, Even, give me those espresso shots or I swear to god I’ll order the weirdest frappuccinos for weeks.”

“You don’t even like espresso,” Even points out calmly as he nudges the tea in Isak’s direction, completely unaffected by the withering glare he gets in return.

If Isak was in any other mood right now he’d be thinking about what it means that he feels completely okay shooting Even such a glare without worrying about whether Even will understand that he doesn’t actually, in the greater scheme of things, mean to be a dick. He only means to be one now for this second and only because everyone else is being a dick to him.

Jonas raises his eyebrows, equally unimpressed. “You need to chill.”

“I cannot _chill_ , Jonas. I have exams and I don’t know _anything_ ,” Isak explains impatiently. “Not a single fucking thing, okay? My brain is empty and I’m going to fail everything and they’ll kick me out and I won’t have a future and then I’ll need to come live with you two. Forever. Until death do us part.”

“And I thought you were the one with commitment issues,” Eva mutters. “Also, _Even_?”

Isak realises he’s made a mistake the second both Eva and Jonas turn to Even with what could only be described as ecstatic looks on their faces.

“Yep,” Even nods, swaying on the balls of his feet for a second before shooting Isak a grin and moving on to actually do his job again.

Isak looks at the part of the floor where Even had stood and starts wondering whether the floor could open up and swallow him like, right this second.

“You couldn’t have mentioned he’s _this_ fucking handsome?” Eva stage whispers and yeah, she’s not even trying to keep it down so there’s no way Even didn’t hear that.

“Yeah, Isak, you couldn’t have mentioned?” Jonas repeats and the worst thing is that in his breakdown-state, Isak has trouble making out whether he’s joking or actually serious.

After that it is completely impossible to get either of them to do anything useful so when they left after trying to get more details out of him for half an hour, he waves them out happily.

As Isak’s fucking luck would have it, a rowdy group of boys wrapped in scarves, hats and big winter coats to protect them from the freezing wind and snow outside, make their entrance around four. And, because Isak apparently cannot catch a break today, they all stumble over to the counter to hug Even, who grins brightly at them.

 _Why today of all days?_ Isak asks himself as he miserably hides his face in his arms that are on top of the book he’s supposed to be concentrating on right now.

From his hiding place he hears one of the guys say, “Can you look at least a little less fucking gone, just for the rest of us? Or at least for Yousef’s sake, he’s been pining away for Sana and it’s absolutely terrible to look at. Reminds me of the time before you got your shit together with your boy.”

That makes Isak peek up over his own arms to look at the group. He can only see Even’s quiff of hair above the coffee machine as he’s making their drinks (Isak can’t remember hearing them ordering anything but then again, Even’s probably the kind of guy that has all of his friends’ favourite drinks memorised), but all the boys are still hanging around the counter.

And, well, shit, he _really_ can’t catch a break now, can he? Of course Sana’s brother would be one of the best friends Even’s been raving about. No way Sana’s going to let him live that down after all the teasing he’s done about how gone she is for Yousef.

“Even,” one of the other boys says in a low whisper that still resounds clearly in the relatively quiet cafe. “Can you not like… point him out to us? He’s here right? You say he’s always here.”

“We can probably pick him out.”

“Don’t!” he hears Even tell them as he leans on the counter, probably in an attempt to keep their conversation somewhat private. It’s not working. “Are you guys actually the epitome of rudeness?”

“We’re not rude, my friend,” one of the guys with half-long hair tells Even, clasping his shoulder solemnly. “We’re just extremely involved in your love life. And honestly, we deserve it. We didn’t listen to you mope for weeks just so we could stay away from the matter now.”

Isak is a little wrapped up in the fact that Even had apparently been moping and pining for Isak for _weeks._ That’s, well. That’s just really silly, isn’t it? Anyone pining away for his anxiety-ridden ass?

At that moment, he sees Even’s eyes flit to him. It’s only for a second, but it’s a second too long, because the boys all do a synchronised turn and if he weren’t so terrified, Isak would probably be laughing at how ridiculous it looks. He’s not great with people on his best days and, well… this is definitely not one of his best days.

“Guys… I’m not even finished with your drinks yet,” he can hear Even try, sounding a little desperate, but they’re already on their way over to Isak’s table, all with huge grins on their faces. Isak sits upright and takes a deep breath.

“This is exciting!” he hears one of the guys say as they approach.

“Don’t scare the poor guy, Even’ll never talk to us again if we ruin this for him,” says the one that he knows is Yousef from the time Sana pretended she wasn’t cyberstalking him in class.

“Isak?” Elias says as he reaches the table, stretching out his hand eagerly, and then it dawns on him. “Wait. I know you.”

Isak, who’s just accepted his fate by now, nods slowly as he takes Elias’ hand. He keeps sending Even desperate _at least come over here so your friends don’t eat me_ glances that Even, strangely, does not seem to be picking up on.

“You’re the one Sana likes! She always complains about you when you have to do group projects together!” Elias adds excitedly, at which point Yousef frowns and Isak doesn’t know whether it’s still necessary to clarify that he’s _really fucking gay, and Sana’s really not interested, don’t worry_ or if they’re not really at that stage yet.

On the other hand the rest of the boys are now introducing themselves to him by wrapping him up in tight hugs so maybe they are. “If Sana’s approved you, you don’t have to worry about us anymore!”

That’s a slight relief, possibly, if it weren’t for the fact that he’s actually in a constant state of uncertainty when it comes to figuring out whether Sana actually likes him or not, but nice try.

“Oh shit, you’re doing biology stuff! We can help!” Mutta says as he grabs one of the flashcards. “Tell me something about… exoplasmic transport?”

As Isak tries to explain the term as clearly as possible (which, he has to admit, is actually a pretty good way to study), the rest of the boys grab a card of the stack and look like they’re actually going to take this serious. He’s just beginning to explain the difference between cell proliferation and differentiation to Adam, who’s nodding like he’s soaking up every word Isak says, when Even finally comes with the boys’ drinks, looking slightly wary at the lack of interrogation.

“Hi, I’m exchanging my friends for yours, cool?”

“Sure, at least yours complimented me instead of throwing themselves on me,” Even replies lightly.

“At least these guys actually help me get some studying done instead of fawning over my boyfriend.” Isak freezes the second the word passes his lips.

“We can fawn over you too, Isak,” Mutta reassures him, patting his shoulder. But Isak is more taken by the way Even just completely brightened and he’s looking at Isak with that look of _wonder_ again.

The thing is, they haven’t really been in a situation yet where it was called for to call each other that. _Boyfriend._ It doesn’t look like Even has any qualms about it and as the word echoes in Isak’s head he’s slowly but surely finding himself not in complete and utter distress over the fact that that just happened — to his own confusion and amazement. Rather, he feels like something just settled in his chest.

Now, none of the boys seem to have noticed the moment as they’re still commenting loudly on the drinks Even’s made (“I still can’t believe you’re actually good at this shit man, you’re such a hipster.”) and a second later Mikael yells over them, “We were helping Isak study! Even, leave please, you’re completely distracting us from our mission. Everyone else shut up and let Isak explain to me what the actual heck a gonadotropin receptor is!”

Even raises his hands in defense before backing away, still with a huge grin on his face and Isak can’t help but smile back at him for a couple of seconds, until Mikael pokes at his arm and directs his attention back at him.

 

“Are you free tomorrow?” Even asks him on Thursday. He’s pretending to clean the table next to Isak’s, though Isak has the sneaking suspicion most of Even’s coworkers have by now picked up on the fact that there’s another reason Even likes to clean his corner of the cafe more thoroughly.

“I have to study,” Isak reminds him, barely looking up from his textbook.

“You need to eat.”

“No, I need to _study_.”

From the corner of his eye he can see Even turned towards him, not even pretending anymore.

“Besides, I eat.”

“You crunch on cold, leftover pieces of pizza your friends ordered for you because you forgot to get food.”

And well, Isak can’t really counter that except with some grumbling.

“Idea,” Even says, fumbling with a set of flashcards on the corner of Isak’s table, shuffling them absentmindedly. “I’ll come home with you tomorrow afternoon after my shift’s over, I’ll cook for you, I’ll even let you study while I’m cooking, though you won’t want to because I look great cooking, and then you’ll have a good, balanced meal—” Isak wrinkles his nose exaggeratedly at that. “— you look cute when you do that. Anyway, after the good, balanced meal, we’ll chill on the couch and I’ll work on your movie education and then, when you feel fulfilled and happy, you’ll get an actual decent night’s sleep. How does that sound?”

It’s funny how Isak’s mind can go two different directions so quickly. One part of him is going _yes, yes all of this sounds amazing let’s go now_ and the other part is trying to envision how much of a mess his room is and wondering if he has enough time to clean it between now and tomorrow afternoon and whether this means Even wants to stay over and if he wants to _stay over_ and what would that _mean_?

But also… he’s gotten to know Even over the past couple of weeks. Even’s the kind of person that knows what kind of drink he wants depending on his mood, he’s good at gently pushing Isak when Isak wants to be pushed and gently letting Isak be when that’s what he desires, he stayed up until 3am the other night because Isak had accidentally let it slip that his insomnia had been popping up again, just talking quietly on the phone until Isak convinced him to go get some sleep.

All of this means that the chances that Even’s just doing this out of the kindness of his heart are like, pretty fucking high.

So finally, he looks up to find Even watching him carefully but completely unassuming, and maybe that’s what does it for Isak.

“Okay.”

Even perks up at that.

“But you have to let me study while you cook. I can’t fuck up these exams. And I can’t promise I won’t need to get some studying done afterwards.”

“I’ll quiz you after dinner for half an hour and then I can decide whether you’re done for the night. Deal?”

“You’ll say I’m done even if I get everything wrong.”

“Deal?”

Isak lets out a deep, semi-annoyed sigh. “Fine.”

“After I cook for you, no Domino's pizza is ever going to be good enough again,” Even says, finally moving away from Isak’s table to pick up empty cups and plates on a table further down.

“Is you ruining my favourite restaurant for me supposed to convince me?”

“Domino’s is not a restaurant!” Even calls back cheerily.

 

So the following afternoon, Isak walks back home with Even in tow. They do groceries beforehand because when Even asks him if they have oregano, Isak just stares at him blankly.

His hand finds Even’s free one at some point while they’re walking and it’s kind of silly, kind of like he’s 16 again, but the rush in his stomach is electrifying. It’s not even the first time — Even’s taken to holding his hand whenever he walks Isak to class after his shift, or playing with his fingers when he joins Isak on his lunch break. It’s not new but it still feels like it is.

“Hello?” he yells when opening the door, and it’s a godsend when he gets only silence in return.

They still find Linn in the kitchen, nursing a cup of tea as she stares out of the window. Even smiles at her brightly and she stares back for a second before looking at Isak.

“Eh, Linn, this is Even. My boyfriend.” Isak still feels blood rushing to his cheeks, though Linn is probably the least judgmental person he knows. “Even, this is Linn, my roommate.”

He licks his lips, for some reason nervous. It’s not like bringing Even to meet his parents (or maybe it is, a little). Linn’s moved on to looking out the kitchen window and he recognises the distance in her eyes, so when he asks, “Bad day?” his voice is softer.

She stares out of the window for a little longer before her gaze drops to her tea, still untouched. Isak knows enough to take that as an answer.

“Do you want to lie down for a bit?” he asks. “I can make you some new tea. And we can make some extra dinner if you don’t feel like cooking.” Her gaze shifts to him for a second and he quickly adds, “Even’s cooking. He’s like… actually good at it. Or so he tells me.”

Linn is quiet for a couple of seconds before nodding, getting up and moving out of the kitchen to her room. Isak takes a breath before he looks at Even and smiles quickly before he pours the cold tea down the drain and fills the kettle with fresh water. He gets a tea bag out and waits in silence for the water to boil while Even starts unpacking the groceries.

Hot tea in one hand, he knocks on Linn’s door a couple of minutes later and he waits five seconds before slowly opening the door.

She’s in bed, mostly hidden under the duvet. He puts the tea on her bedside table and deliberates saying something for a second but in the end just walks out of the room and closes the door behind him quietly.

When he gets back to the kitchen Even’s just finishing putting the last of the vegetables on the counter.

“So, you’ve been living with Linn and Eskild since…” Even prompts.

“Since the beginning of uni,” Isak finishes for him. “I knew the girl who lived in my room and she moved to Bergen to study there and, well, I needed to get out of my house. I hadn’t been staying home much anyway, mostly crashed at Jonas’ or Eva’s place but I mean, I couldn’t keep doing that forever either so this was the next best option.”

He’s sitting down at the table, grabbing his textbooks from his bag now but before he can open them Even asks, “Why’d you need to get out of your house?”

It’s calm, almost unassuming. Isak looks at the back of Even’s head as he grabs a cutting board and rumbles through the drawers to find a sharp knife. He knows he could probably get out of it but he finds that he doesn’t really want to. It’s not going to be a _fun_ talk to have, sure, but it’s probably an important one. And the thing is, if he wants to do this with Even, and he wants to get to know Even more (and he _does_ ) than shouldn’t he grant Even the same service?

So when Even joins him at the table with the knife, the cutting board and a bunch of tomatoes, he takes a deep breath and tries to relax his shoulders.

“My first year at Nissen my dad walked out on my mum and me. My mum, she’s… She’s schizophrenic. But at the time we didn’t know, or at least, I didn’t know. I don’t know if… Well, she wasn’t taking any medication for it. So she would tell us the world was going to end and we’d all go to hell if we didn’t repent for our sins. Sometimes she’d see things that weren’t real and she’d get really scared or angry.”

He’s been staring at the way Even skillfully handles the tomatoes, chopping them up in little bits that are all the same size. His hands still when Isak stops talking and he looks up, meeting Isak’s gaze. There’s no judgment but Isak can’t quite figure out what he _does_ find. After a second, Even returns to chopping the tomatoes.

Isak licks his lips.

“So at some point my dad decided he couldn’t handle all of that anymore and he walked out on us. Just like that. So then I was alone with her and I was… I was fifteen. I didn’t know what to do, I couldn’t take care of her. I was scared. So, like I said, I stayed with Jonas and Eva a lot during the next two years basically. I’d go home as little as possible.

“My dad would text me to ask if I’d checked up on mamma recently and for a long time I wouldn’t even respond, I hated him so much for everything, for leaving us. For leaving me. I hated myself a lot too.”

He huffs out a humourless laugh to cover up the fact that it feels like there’s something stuck in his throat.

When he finds himself looking up again, Even’s staring at him.

“No fifteen-year-old should be asked to go through that,” Even tells him after a short silence. “You shouldn’t have had to take care of your mother, that should have never been your responsibility and I’m sorry your dad wasn’t responsible enough himself to see that.”

And Isak can’t help but look at him as he tries to work through the turmoil inside. It’s been years since all of that and everything is a lot better now and yet, remembering that time of his life brings back this awful, guilty feeling that eats away at him. Even doesn’t flinch away from his gaze for a moment.

“I know,” Isak mumbles in the end. “I know that. It still feels shitty. But, things are a lot better now. She’s a lot better, she’s taking medication and she’s a lot… she’s a lot happier, I think. Even after she got diagnosed, I was really scared for a long time because she… because she’s so religious. But one day when visiting her it just kind of came out, or,” he huffs again, “I guess _I_ just kind of came out. And she hugged me and told me she loved me and asked if I had my eye on some cute boy at university.”

“I hope you told her it was a cute boy at Kaffebrenneriet.”

Isak rolls his eyes, feeling a bit lighter than before. “This was like. Two years ago, Even.”

“Still.”

They’re quiet for a minute, when Isak says, “I think that… for a long time, while I was still living there, and living with Jonas and Eva, I hated her for being ill. For not being a mother to me while I needed her.

“And then after, I hated myself for feeling like that because of course it’s not her fault that she’s ill. I hated myself so much that I thought maybe she hated me that much, too. It took me a long time to really understand that I couldn’t just go around blaming everyone for things that aren’t… that aren’t really about blame. I mean, I guess I still kind of blame my dad. But not her.”

Isak wonders if he’s imagining the way Even’s shoulders relax a little at that.

“How’s stuff with your dad now?” Even asks, slowly redirecting his attention to the tomatoes.

A sigh.

“It’s… difficult at times. He’s better now, at communicating with me and not treating me like a complete child. And I’m better at communicating, period. So we talk semi-regularly and we try to grab dinner sometimes. He helps out paying for mamma’s treatment. We’re making progress but… You know how when you’re little your parents seem to have everything figured out, always. Like they know what they’re doing and never make mistakes. And the older you get the more you get to realise that that’s not really the case and that they’re just people too?”

Even hums in understanding as he gets up to put water on for pasta, bringing carrots with him to cut up when he sits back down.

“Well, my dad didn’t just… ease me out of that image, he ripped it up and stepped on it on his way out of our lives. Maybe it’s petty but part of me can’t get over that.”

“It’s not petty,” Even tells him, like that’s that.

Isak swallows the lump in his throat, nodding slowly. He doesn't think he's ever told anyone the whole story like this and it's... it's relieving, to have it out there.

His eyes drift to his books, still closed on the table and he just _really_ doesn’t feel like studying anymore, especially not now that Even’s here, but he also doesn’t want to feel guilty for not studying.

Luckily, Even makes the decision for him before he can think on it too long.

“Help me cut this stuff up, please.”

“You said you were going to cook _for_ me, I wasn’t supposed to be involved at all,” Isak tries to complain, though he’s already up and getting a knife and cutting board.

“If you’re going to be staring anyway, might as well participate,” Even smiles as he hands Isak a carrot. “You might even learn something! Who would’ve thought, hm?”

In the end, Even still does most of the cooking, but Isak loves to be a little shit and make snappy comments while sitting on the counter, because he knows that if he makes an especially good quip Even will dart in to come stand between his legs and press a kiss to his lips to silence him.

At some point Even asks him if he likes his pasta al dente and Isak must look terribly confused because suddenly, Even’s laughing and he _doesn’t stop laughing_.

It’s possibly the greatest thing Isak has ever seen.

Suddenly the idea of falling for this guy doesn’t feel so scary anymore. It feels like something he’s been working up to forever ( _for weeks, don’t be fucking dramatic_ , his mind supplies helpfully) and now that he’s here it’s not that big of a step anymore. It’s just like he’s already there.

Dinner is quiet and light. They do the dishes together afterwards and Even keeps stealing kisses whenever Isak hands him one of the soapy pieces of cutlery (Isak doesn’t object).

After, they curl up on the couch, both sitting with their backs against the opposite arm rests, their feet tangled in the middle.

True to his word, Even quizzes him for half an hour, even when Isak tells him that no, they can’t kiss every time he gets an answer right.

When the time is up Even drops the flashcards on the ground, crawls over to Isak and starts kissing him and kissing him and _kissing him._ Isak can’t even find it in himself to protest. Instead, he slumps into the kiss, into the way one of Even’s hand cradles his face as the other sneaks under his t-shirt and Isak can feel himself goddamn shiver at that.

The thought that they probably shouldn’t be making out in the living room just in case Eskild decides to come home early tonight pops up in his head, but when Even starts pressing kisses to his cheeks, his jaw, his neck he almost loses track of it again.

Even when Even retreats a little to let them both breathe, the hand Isak has secured in Even’s neck keeps him close. He takes a second to breath it in, the sight of Even’s kissed lips and eager eyes and the sound of his slightly irregular breathing, before he leans in again.

After a while they end up just looking at each other, heads resting on the backrest now, faces close enough that quiet, almost whispery words are enough. Even is playing with Isak’s fingers as he talks about holidays in a cabin up north with his parents, about the time he and his then-girlfriend Sonja got lost in the woods thinking they were going to go on a fun hike.

Isak can feel his eyelids getting heavier and he assures Even he’s just going to close his eyes, he can listen with his eyes closed, please keep talking.

It’s only when Isak feels soft lips pressed to his cheek that he opens his eyes again and he realises he must have drifted off because Even is looking at him with the fondest look.

“Maybe I’m a little tired,” he murmurs.

“Let’s get you to bed then.”

Isak hums in acknowledgment.

Even smiles softly at him, pressing their noses together for a second, then nods, pecking Isak’s lips once more before he untangles their limbs and gets up. Before they retreat to his room, Isak stumbles over to Linn’s room and cracks open the door a little to tell her they’ve left a portion of pasta for her on her shelf in the fridge.

When he gets to his room, Even is sitting on his bed, seemingly lost in thought. He looks a little nervous, trailing his hands over Isak’s old blue striped bedspread, picking at a loose thread. The moment Isak closes the door behind him, Even’s eyes find him and he licks his lips before he seems to steel himself.

“I can go, too,” Even tells him. “That would be fine. Whatever you want, okay?”

All the doubts and nerves Isak felt fall away as he takes in Even’s sincere look. “I want you to stay.”

So Even does. Isak hands him a pair of sweatpants and a (hopefully) clean t-shirt and then moves to the bathroom to change himself because in spite of the fact that he just told Even they could sleep in the same bed, Isak is apparently still too awkward to change in the same room.

Ten minutes later finds the both of them curled up under Isak’s duvet in the dark. Or, as dark as it gets if your curtains are actually a blanket hung in front of the window clumsily and there’s a street light right outside it.

Suddenly Isak feels nervous listening to their breathing.

Once again, Even seems to sense his nerves, because a second later he’s scooting a little closer to Isak and pulling Isak closer to him until Isak gets the hint and curls up on Even’s chest.

It takes a minute or so for the adrenaline rush that comes with hearing Even’s heartbeat and being so close all of a sudden to wear off. A minute of feeling Even’s hand go through his hair in slow, calming motions.

“Night,” he manages to mutter into Even’s chest before the sleepiness catches up with him, and he delights in both hearing and feeling a short laugh in response.

“Night, Isak,” Even replies. Isak drifts off with the feeling of Even’s lips pressing a soft kiss to his forehead and Even’s hair tangled in his hair and Even’s heartbeat resounding in his ears.

  
—

 

Even wakes up feeling comfortably warm — the kind of warm that makes you want to close your eyes again and turn on your other side to sleep on for a little while longer.

It takes him a while to realise where he is, why the light is different, why he isn’t being rudely awoken by someone jumping on the bed.

When he slowly opens his eyes, he’s confronted with the sight of a boy next to him. Isak is lying on his front, head on Even’s shoulder and he’s blissfully asleep still, drooling a little on Even’s (Isak’s) shirt. Even finds it horribly adorable.

The light outside changes as he takes his time drinking Isak in, his hand drawing shapes on the other boy’s back. He feels strangely settled lying here, settled in a way he’s not felt in a long time. He’s not sure how long it is until Isak cracks open his eyes, all sleepy and yawning.

“Morning,” he whispers and Isak looks up, finding his eye.

“Hmmf,” Isak replies eloquently, attempting to hide his face in the crook of Even’s neck.

“Not a morning person, hm?”

The only thing he gets in return is some grumbling and he thinks about his own grumbling every time Hanna decides it’s time to get up approximately two hours before Even thinks it’s time to get up (it’s fond grumbling, but grumbling nonetheless).

That’s when it happens. He’s hit with the overwhelming urge to tell Isak about her. He wants to be able to share this little moment but he knows he can’t, not without opening up this whole big other thing.

It’s frustrating, not being able to talk about Hanna. It’s getting more and more difficult to catch himself before he makes a remark about her, or before he shares something funny she said while she was with him.

In a matter of weeks Isak’s grown into this space in his life and it’s pretty shit, having to keep it so strictly separate from the other important part of his life.

He wonders what would happen if he’d just tell Isak all of it right now.

He wonders how fast everything would come crashing down. Would Isak even listen to him if he tried to explain? Would he simply tell Even to get out completely, without looking back? He wonders if he would stay and listen, if someone would have lied to him like this about two big things in his life.

Even knows, rationally, that his bipolar doesn’t define him or his life, but sometimes it’s still difficult to get himself to actually _believe_ it.

And, well, Hanna is just a whole different thing altogether. The implications of that are huge for everyone, but is it really fair to ask someone still in university to make a decision like that? He wouldn’t blame Isak if he ran for the hills.

But still.

He wants to tell Isak. He wants to not have to keep this part of himself hidden anymore. For a while it was nice to keep them separated. To be able to pretend that life was a little less complicated than it actually was. But he can’t imagine not talking to the guys about Hanna, having them not know about that part of his life.

And Isak’s been opening up to him more and more. After last night’s conversation, he almost feels like he owes it to Isak to share something big like that, and he knows, he _knows_ that that’s not how this is supposed to work, but he _wants_ to. He wants to trust Isak with this.

For a moment, the possibility of saying it and everything not breaking in a tiny million pieces seems tangible, but then his sense of reality claws him back from taking that leap. Not now.

It takes a while but in the end he gets Isak to agree to let him go long enough for both of them to go to the bathroom and quickly brush their teeth. He offers to make some breakfast but Isak vehemently tells him to stay in the room while he grabs some toast and jam, muttering something about not letting Eskild near him.

They spend the morning in Isak’s room, and at some point Even is hit with the feeling that right now, he wouldn’t be surprised if the world started and ended with them and this room and this bed.

At some point, Even is talking about this idea for a short film he came up with together with Mikael a while back and how they never got around to making it and Isak just has this _look_ on his face. Like he’s trying to figure something out.

“What?” Even interrupts his story, booping his nose to Isak’s softly. Isak’s nose crinkles up, but he doesn’t reply immediately. Instead, he strokes through Even’s hair, trails little figures on Even’s bare shoulder (Even isn’t sure if it’s the romantic in him that says they’re hearts but you know what? He’s just going to believe they’re hearts).

“You should be making movies,” he says then, quietly breathing it into the small space between them. Before Even can say anything in response Isak continues. “I’m sure Baz whatever his name is—”

“Luhrmann,” Even supplies helpfully, only to be fixed by Isak’s glare.

“Baz _whatever his name is_ has responsibilities too. He’s still making movies. If it’s what you love then that’s what you should be doing.”

He’s trying to find a way to explain to Isak that he can’t but his mind feels kind of empty. And for the first time in, in years probably, this, too, feels like a possibility. Maybe he can make it work, all of it. With a bit of help from his friends, his parents, his old professors. Hope curls in his stomach as he closes the distance between them and kisses Isak into the mattress (Isak is all too happy to oblige).

In their quiet bit of reality, Isak tells him about parallel universes and Even thinks he gets the allure of that idea that there are a million possibilities and it even if you make the wrong one in this universe, somewhere else another version of you will make the right one.

“Doesn’t that make you feel lonely?” he still asks. “What if you’re the one doing it wrong?”

“What if you’re the one doing it right?” Isak asks him in return.

 

A couple of days later finds Even at the park with the boys and one overjoyed little girl. It snowed the previous night so everything is covered in a thick layer of white.

“Steady marching, soldiers,” Yousef says, carrying a laughing Hanna on his back.

The rest of the boys follow the two of them in formation, all wrapped up in heavy coats and shawls. It’s absolutely freezing but no one is complaining. Once they get to an open field, snow still mostly untouched, Yousef puts Hanna down.

Even’s walking at the end of the row, so he can’t hear what they’re saying but based on the extremely serious expression on Yousef’s face and the way Hanna’s throwing her hands in the air mimicking rolling something, she’s just announced that the first part of her plan for this afternoon is making a large snowman. 

She’s had the plan worked out for a week: she made a list with all the planned activities, including drawings and a tiny calendar that counted down the days. Even’s pretty sure she loves spending time with the boys as much as he does (and vice versa).

Walking next to Mikael in silence, Even looks at his friends fondly, keeping a bit of distance. He feels the weight of Mikael’s gaze even before he turns to look at his best friend.

“What?”

“How’s everything going with your boy?”

He nods slowly. “It’s been good.”

A short silence but then Mikael is poking him in the side. “Don’t do that.” The tone in his voice is walking a tightrope, right there in between serious and joking.

Even looks at the rest of the group for a while. He wants to explain how he’s feeling but he’s also scared to. He’s got this feeling like, maybe if he doesn’t say, he can keep pretending this can go on for longer. Realistically, that’s not really a thing.

For good measure, though, and to stall, he asks, “Do what?”

In return, Mikael raises his eyebrows, unimpressed. “Get so stuck in your own head. I know you like to do that, but we both know that doesn’t help anyone. Better to just come out with it and then we can talk. We’re your friends, remember?”

The words don’t carry the same edge they once did, but Even has no doubt what Mikael’s referring to.

Flashes of a miserable year back at Bakka, Even being completely at an impasse with his own feelings, the episode, the… aftermath. But they came through at the time, when he least expected, when he didn’t really expect anything except for anger and confusion. They were there despite everything he did to drive them away.

They’re his friends and he should talk to them.

So he does.

“I want to tell Isak. About everything. About me and about Hanna. I just… I don’t want to have to hide it from him anymore,” he says, and it’s strange, how he’s almost trying to justify it.

“Okay,” Mikael tells him calmly. “So why haven’t you done it yet?”

“Because I’m terrified,” Even breathes out, voice low, even though he knows Hanna is too far to hear. He watches her, wrapped up in a snowman-making competition with the rest of the boys. “I’m really, really scared he’s going to leave. I wouldn’t even be able to blame him if he did.” He hesitates. “His mum’s mentally ill.”

“Did he say anything shitty?” Mikael’s feathers are immediately ruffled, a protective tone in his voice.

“No, no, he didn’t. But he had to take care of her on his own at fifteen.”

Mikael whistles understandingly. In the distance, Hanna bursts out laughing because of something Adam said.

“I don’t want him to think he needs to take care of me, too.”

“He should know that’s not what you’re asking of him.”

Even sighs. “It’s all pretty heavy. I can’t really expect him to want to take that up at this point in his life, right?”

Mikael looks at him pensively for a couple of seconds.

“Okay, you need to listen for a second. I know this is a big thing, okay, and I’m not denying that. Both to have to tell him and for him to hear it. But no one who knows you, and no one who knows Hanna, thinks being around you is a hardship. You’re a great guy and she’s a great kid and you’ve made something that’s pretty intense for every 19-year-old into a pretty good life, right? No, don’t interrupt me,” he says when Even opens his mouth.

“I know _everything_ you’re going to say. It’s different telling him than telling us or whoever else because you’re basically asking him to be a part of this too, right? At some point, at least. I get that, I do. But no matter what you think is going to happen, if you want to know, you’re going to have to _ask him_. Don’t just assume the worst. From what you’ve told us about him, and from what I’ve seen, he’s a cool guy. You’re pretty fucking gone for him. Don’t sell him short now.”

Even knows they’re going to have to wrap up this conversation soon, as he can see Hanna approach with a snowball from the corner of his eye.

He knows Mikael’s spotted her too, but they’re both pretending to be in such deep conversation that they haven’t.

He loves the way she thinks he won’t notice her despite her giggles growing louder with every step.

He also knows Mikael’s right. Isak deserves to be able to make up his own mind, instead of Even making the decision for him. An hour later, he’s texting Sonja about the preparations for Hanna’s school play — she’s venting about having a work thing she can’t get out of.

He texts back telling her he can make it which effectively means he’s going to have to cancel movie night with Isak, which kind of sucks but he also knows Hanna’ll be disappointed if neither of her parents are able to make it.

They’ve always made a point out of this, Sonja and he, that they were going to do everything they could to not make Hanna feel like her family was in shatters just because her mum and dad weren’t together.

Hanna herself has never made a big deal out of the fact that they aren’t — he remembers her coming home one day with the message that her teacher wouldn’t give her two sheets of paper to draw to separate drawings for her family and that she had had to very patiently explain that she has one family and two homes and two fridges that both need a drawing because otherwise it just wasn’t fair.

They’re separate and they’re both still her family, no matter what.

Then again, she’s never known anything else. As far as she’s concerned they’ve always lived apart, and she’s always been part of both of their lives.

Isak, on his part, is completely understanding when Even texts him to say he can’t make it and that he’ll make it up some other day.

Times like these, when Isak just blindly seems to accept it when Even can’t make it, or when Even can’t stay, or when Even can’t walk him to class because it’s half past two and there’s going to be a little girl waiting for him to pick her up, he thinks Isak may have figured out already that _something_ is up, and he’s just giving Even the time and space to tell Isak himself.

He knows that’s shitty logic too, that he can’t just assume that Isak and his scientific mind have noticed the pattern just because that would be the easiest thing for him.

But Even’s made up his mind. He’s going to tell Isak, and he’s going to do it soon. The second he decides that, it’s like this whole plan unlocks in his brain, like he’s subconsciously been thinking about this all along (he probably has).

Hanna is going to be with Sonja Friday to Monday. He knows Isak has his last midterm on Thursday, and he’d said he was probably going to go out after that to celebrate, so that means Friday.That’ll be good, with them heading into the weekend, so even if it all goes to hell Isak won’t have to return to class early the next day feeling like shit.

Okay. Friday.

Even takes a deep breath and the world is not crumbling.

 

If he thought that having figured out the date was going to help clear his mind a little, Even was wrong. Knowing it’s happening on Friday means that every second he’s not actively concentrating on anything, his mind is preparing the speech he’s going to have to give, and then all the possible reactions Isak may have and then _all the possible reactions Even may have to Isak’s reactions_. It’s almost convenient that Isak has midterms most of the week and is either at university, in the library or trying to get some sleep at home.

Thursday evening he lets Hanna watch The Emperor’s New Groove during dinner because he’s just so tense and he hates that he has to be this way around her because he knows she notices somethings up.

He’s not going to be one of those parents that think their children only notice things if they’re spelled out for them. The movie ends and he doesn’t even realise it. Hanna apparently sat through the entire credits quietly but now she’s poking his cheek to get his attention and he turns to her, pulling his legs up on the couch.

“Are you sad?” she asks and her tone is so serious he can’t help but huff out a little laugh.

“Hm…” he says, playing with a lock of her hair. “No, not really. I’m nervous, I guess.”

“Why?”

_Because I think I’m very very much in love with a boy and he might not want me anymore in a matter of days and I don’t know how to deal with that._

“Because I need to talk to my… my work friend about something and I’m afraid he’ll be sad.”

“Why would he be sad?”

“Because I should have told him earlier, maybe. And he might feel hurt that I didn’t.”

“Then why didn’t you?” she pushes, a small frown on her face.

“Because I was scared,” he admits.

Hanna furrows her brows even further, apparently thinking that over for a bit. He remembers Isak telling him about the way his image of his dad crumbled when he realised that parents aren’t as unshakeable as once presumed, and he wonders if he’s crushing a bit of Hanna’s image here but then decides that no, that’s not what he’s doing.

He’s just introducing her to the very real idea that everyone that’s human, and that includes her dad, is probably scared sometimes and that’s very okay.

At that moment, she interrupts his thoughts.

“The Scared is scared of things we like.”

He can’t help it. He starts laughing.

It’s something about the solemn way she says it, something about the wise use of the remark that she heard in a video he showed her half a year ago, something about the fact that his six-year-old daughter is able to make his heavy heart feel a ton lighter just like that.

 _The Scared is scared of the things we like_.

So as long as the things he likes (Hanna, Isak, honesty, openness) outweigh the things he’s scared of (Isak leaving, Isak leaving, Isak leaving), it’s worth it. It’s worth it.

“Why are you laughing?” she huffs indignantly, her arms crossed, as he pulls her onto his lap, wrapping her up in a hug and pressing kisses to her cheek and forehead.

“Because you’re right,” he mutters against her hair. “You’re so, so right.”

“Asa’s right,” she corrects him sagely and he closes his eyes with a grin, resting his head on top of hers.

“Asa’s right, and you’re right. You’re both super right.”

They’re both quiet for a moment, when Hanna turns to him. “I haven’t had dessert yet.”

“It’s almost bedtime,” he replies, looking at the digital clock beneath the tv.

“But… I haven’t had dessert yet,” she repeats slowly, like she can’t possibly imagine he doesn’t see the logic behind her reasoning. He looks at her for a few seconds and she bravely holds his gaze, even though he knows _she_ knows he wouldn’t usually let her have dessert so close to bedtime. She also knows he’s more likely to give in now. Fuck, he loves how sneaky and smart she’s getting.

“Fine,” he sighs and the grin that takes over her face is absolutely worth it.

When she’s finally out an hour later, after Even has read her two bedtime stories and tucked in all her stuffed animals, he sits down at the couch and stares at Isak’s contact name in his phone for ten minutes before beginning a new text message.

_hey baby, hope your last exam went well (but I’m sure you nailed it!!)_

_you’re probably off getting drunk with the boys so have fun ( & drink water when you get home) _

_question: you up for maybe coming to mine tomorrow? I need to talk to you about something._

_I’ll be done at five so I can make dinner!_

_hope you have a good night <3 _

He finally hits send after staring at the message for another five minutes and closes his eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading & if you enjoyed it i'd love it if you let me know by leaving kudos and/or comments!!
> 
> also hanna makes a reference to [THIS](https://vimeo.com/58659769) video, it's called _The Scared is scared_ and it's one of the cutest, funniest, smartest things i've ever seen and you should all watch it!! 
> 
> i'm on [tumblr & on ](http://minjard.tumblr.com)[twitter](http://twitter.com/jostvns) so you can always come talk to me there!! i promise i'm not scary! there's also a tumblr post for this chapter [here](http://minjard.tumblr.com/post/165839994402/take-me-as-i-am-pairing-even-bech-n%C3%A6sheimisak)!


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Isak can’t help but feel like dying a little. Shit, no one wants to get a we need to talk-text from the guy you thought you were going pretty steady with. He has half a mind of just like, not showing up because surely that means Even can’t break up with him, right? It doesn’t matter that Jonas had been talking into him for hours before he left, telling him that it really, really didn’t sound like that was what was going on here.
> 
> “He sent a heart, didn’t he?” Jonas told him. “And he’s inviting you to his place! You told me that the whole not-knowing-where-he-lives thing was what you were kind of worried about, so isn’t it good that he’s invited you now? At least you’re sure he’s not like, homeless.”
> 
> “Maybe he’s just a really nice guy?” Isak had muttered, lying on his bed with his arms thrown over his face. “He’s probably one of those people that makes breaking up a fun experience.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahhhh this is it!!! the last chapter!! i'm excited for you guys to read it and i hope hope hope you will feel like i've done well by isak and even (and hanna).
> 
> i love the entire kardemommefam they're my cheerleaders and i'm so grateful for all of them every day, thank u @ josie for putting up with my bad english and thank u @ julia for being amazing and going through an intense 24 hours of skam-related feelings with me. i rly appreciate it. 
> 
> i need to say some more things but i'll do that in the end notes because ~spoilers~
> 
> enjoy!

Isak can’t help but feel like dying a little. Shit, no one wants to get a _we need to talk_ -text from the guy you thought you were going pretty steady with. He has half a mind of just like, not showing up because surely that means Even can’t break up with him, right? It doesn’t matter that Jonas had been talking into him for hours before he left, telling him that it really, really didn’t sound like that was what was going on here.

“He sent a heart, didn’t he?” Jonas told him. “And he’s inviting you to his place! You told me that the whole not-knowing-where-he-lives thing was what you were kind of worried about, so isn’t it good that he’s invited you now? At least you’re sure he’s not like, homeless.”

“Maybe he’s just a really nice guy?” Isak had muttered, lying on his bed with his arms thrown over his face. “He’s probably one of those people that makes breaking up a fun experience.”

“Man, Even is like, super gone for you. I saw him for three minutes and it was _so_ clear. I’ll call Eva right now and she’ll confirm it, promise you,” Jonas replied, already getting his phone out.

“Maybe he changed his mind.”

“He didn’t!”

“Maybe he did! You can’t read minds, Jonas!”

Anyway. That didn’t much help his overflowing anxiety, but now here he is anyway, standing in front of Even’s door. He just has to make himself knock. Easy. Problem is that Isak momentarily feels like he doesn’t have any control over his limbs. It takes him a minute, maybe two, before he gets himself to hit the wood twice, shortly.

It takes maybe ten seconds before the door swings open and he sees Even. He looks good (well, duh) — hair a bit ruffled like he’s been running his fingers through it a lot (Isak likes that look, especially if it’s _his_ fault it looks messy).

Even also looks nervous, which in turn does absolutely nothing for Isak’s own tension. But then, for a second, the anxieties creeping under his skin fall away as Even smiles at him when their eyes meet. Isak can’t believe that he’s still not used to the way that smile makes him feel like someone just set fire to his chest.

“Hey,” Even breathes, stepping aside so Isak can come in. The apartment smells like Even and also like curry (which is a smell he knows, now that Even has made it for him before). It’s kind of small, but cosy. It feels like a home, the warmth of it.

There’s music playing softly, just enough like background noise that Isak can’t make out what it is exactly, though at this point he wouldn’t be surprised if it was some hipster band (he’s learned by now that Even really isn’t all 90s hip hop).

Even follows him, nervously looking at everything, then at Isak, then away again.

Isak feels his stomach churn and before he can help himself, before he’s even out of his coat, he asks, “Are you breaking up with me?”

Better to just get it out of the way now. He hates how small his voice sounds and he hates the way he can’t stop picking at the sleeve of his sweater. He can’t look at Even, so he looks at his shoes. The silent feels like it’s physically pressing down on his chest and shit, it’s heavy. Until —

“Oh, Isak,” shuffling and then a pair of socked feet enter his line of vision, there’s the feather light touch of fingers at his jaw, raising up his head, forcing him to look into Even’s clear eyes. “No. I’m not breaking up with you. I promise you I’m not breaking up with you. Shit, I’m so sorry if that’s what you thought was going on. I shouldn’t have — I’m really sorry.”

Isak lets out a long breath, searching Even’s face for anything else but there’s just solemn promise. Slowly, his shoulders fall and he sags against Even, who immediately wraps him up in a hug.

He likes this, feeling Even’s arms around him, completely engulfing him. He feels Even’s lips brush his neck and when they break apart he pulls Even towards him to get a proper kiss. It’s short, but still something settles inside of Isak.

Ten minutes later Isak’s sitting on Even’s couch with a mug of tea. Even is sitting across from him, and Isak wishes he’d decided to sit closer so he could reach out and still Even’s slightly trembling hands (he’s trying to hide it by trailing the scratches on the chair he’s sitting on but Isak notices anyway).

“Okay. So. I should probably just…” Even swallows heavily, raking his hand through his hair again, making it look even messier. “Shit. Okay, I haven’t told you something. Two things, actually. About me, and my life. And I’m… I’m sorry for not telling you before but I was just. I was really scared. I was really scared you’d leave if you knew. I know that’s no excuse but…”

Isak has no fucking clue what’s going on but the way Even’s voice sounds kind of raw, like it might break any second is making something hurt in his chest. Part of him wants to interrupt, wants to disagree with Even, but he keeps quiet and tries to keep his face neutral, open. He’s not sure how much he’s succeeding in not letting the worry shine through.

“I just want to say, before I tell you, that I know both these things are big. And I don’t expect you to make a decision right now. And just. I wouldn’t blame you if you did. Leave, I mean. I would completely understand.”

Even looks at him and it takes Isak a second to understand that he’s asking for confirmation, so he nods. Even’s eyes stay trained on him during the silence that follows, and then he says, “I’m bipolar.”

And, well, okay. That wasn’t really what Isak was expecting, to be fair (he’s not sure what he _was_ expecting), but okay. That’s not… Yeah, that’s not really something he can think anything about, is it? It’s just… It just is. 

“Okay,” he says, and he makes sure to keep eye contact with Even. “I — my friend Magnus, his mother is bipolar too, so I know a little bit about it from them. I mean, I’m not an expert. But I can learn. I’m good at that,” he adds.

He can see Even mulling over his reaction, or maybe his lack of reaction, so he continues, carefully. “Did you think that would be a problem because, um, because of my mum?”

In the silence that follows he hears the answer loud and clear. He wrecks his brain thinking about that conversation last week, desperately trying to figure out if he’d said anything shitty without noticing. He knows he’s not perfect, sometimes he still thinks hurtful things before correcting himself, but he’s a lot better now.

“Even… You’re bipolar. My mum’s schizophrenic. I have shitty anxiety. They’re just… things that are also there next to the rest of who we are. And obviously I get that it’s not easy all the time. And sometimes it’s probably really fucking hard. But that’s not… It’s not like I signed up for a level easy relationship and now I’m just going to like… peace out. Fuck, people are just complicated always but I happen to really like the person you are so that’s. That.” he finishes awkwardly.

He really, really wants to reach out to Even at this point, because for such a tall boy Even is looking strangely small there, on the other side of the coffee table. But he feels like Even is keeping the distance to make the whole conversation a little easier so he stays put, hands wrapped around his mug of tea. Even’s is still standing on the table, untouched.

“What’s the second thing?” he prompts calmly when the silence lasts.

Even takes a deep breath. “I have a daughter.” For a second he looks like he wants to elaborate but then thinks better of it and stays quiet.

It’s kind of strange how the tension seems to seep out of the room now that the words are out there. Like they’d been this invisible presence, ghosting around them. Now, they’re just echoing in Isak’s head. _A daughter a daughter a daughter._

_A daughter._

Yet another unexpected development.

Isak admits, in the past couple of hours he’d considered the option of Even being married and even now his eyes shoot to Even’s hand where he finds no ring, which, sure, doesn’t even necessarily mean anything but _still_. A daughter. He has a daughter. It takes a bit of time before Isak can think beyond that little phrase, before he can think about what that means.

No wonder Even always seemed so put together. _A daughter._ At 25. Shit. _Responsibilities._ Fuck, that’s some responsibility alright.

And yeah, Isak can see it. He can see how two years ago he would’ve been heading to the door by now, thinking that this was way too fucking much for him to handle. That there was no way he could be enough, no way he could do good enough by Even. The feeling is still there in the back of his mind, gnawing away at his progress from time to time. A part of him still wants to run.

And yet.

He’s still here. He’s still here and he swears it’s not just because it feels like his limbs don’t feel like they’re part of his body right now.

He realises the quiet is lasting long and he really doesn’t want this to be like that one episode on Friends where Ross spends an hour staring out at nothing in silence when Rachel tells him she’s pregnant. Fuck no, he really doesn’t want to be a Ross. So he takes a deep breath as well and meets Even’s eye. Licks his lips.

“What’s…” he coughs, his throat feeling rough. “What’s her name?”

The small smile that pulls at the corners of Even’s mouth at that question doesn’t escape him. “Hanna. She’s six.”

He consults the little timeline of Even’s life he’s been creating in his mind. Six years ago, Even was nineteen, which means…

“Sonja?” he guesses.

Even nods. “We’d actually already broken up by that point. It hadn’t been working between us for a while so we’d decided it’d be best for us to split up. And then it turned out she was pregnant and well. We talked about it a lot. If she wanted to keep it, what we’d do if she did. I mean, we didn’t get back together after. We both decided that wasn’t something we wanted to put ourselves or the kid through that. So we’ve been apart from the beginning and Hanna’s with me half the time and with Sonja the other half.”

They’re both quiet for a while.

“Isak, I really, really like you,” Even starts.

“I really really like you too,” Isak interrupts quickly because he needs that _out there,_ outside of his chest and his head, to exist for Even to know. Even, in turn, huffs, but Isak can hear it’s only fond.

“She’s a big and important part of my life. Every big decision I make she is part of in some way. It’s not… I don’t expect anything from you. But I don’t want to have keep these two parts of my life completely separate anymore because frankly, it’s been a bit shit. Not the being with you part, of course, just, not being able to talk about this big part of my life with the other big part of my life. So if... if you stay, things would change a little.”

Isak nods slowly.

“Like I said, you shouldn’t decide right now. Take your time, okay? I get that it’s big, promise. And we can talk about it more, if you want. I’ve heard that’s good. Except if you want to get out right now, if you’re saying no, in which case… that would be okay. I mean.” Even scrapes his throat, shuffles on his chair, tries to settle but ends up just picking at his fingernails. “I’d understand.”

Isak fucking hates this. He hates how small Even looks, and how far away he is. He wants to say all the things that will make Even light up again and he also knows that he can’t, not right now. That he does really need to think about this, away from this space, away from Even. He needs to figure out what he wants. But he also can’t leave this be.

He’s afraid of giving Even too much hope and he’s afraid of giving him too little.

“I’m going to think about it,” he says, considering his words carefully as he tries to catch Even’s gaze. “I am, okay? Like you said, it’s important to consider what that would mean, so I’m going to be a proper adult and think about it. This isn’t a no.”

Finally, Even meets his eye, holds it for a few seconds before nodding, and then his shoulders sag and all of a sudden he looks dead on his feet. Isak drinks the last of his tea and gets up. For a second, Even looks terrified but then Isak says, “You sit on the couch, drink your tea and yell instructions at me for dinner, okay?” and he slumps again, relieved, before he nods and moves to the couch. As they pass each other, Isak stops him for a moment, pressing their foreheads together.

“Thanks for telling me,” he says softly into the small space between them, pecking Even’s lips quickly before he moves to the kitchen. It’s very clean, a lot cleaner than their kitchen at Kollektivet ever is (especially now that Noora isn’t living there anymore, as Eskild likes to remind him) and he could probably blame that on the fact that Even lives on his own (most of the time. The rest of the time he lives here with his _daughter_ ) but then again, he can’t really because Even’s just that kind of person, isn’t he?

Even tells him to just stir the curry for a bit and start cooking the rice (“Sure, I can do that… Just. Cook the rice. In a pan?”). At some point, Isak is looking around for a pan cover and his eye falls on the drawing on the fridge. He suddenly realises that this is probably why Even hadn’t invited him over before.

This house is lived in and the evidence is everywhere, now that he’s paying attention. The drawing on the fridge, the Disney films by the dvd player (though to be fair, those could’ve been just Even’s), the smaller cutlery that’s still drying by the dishes rack.

He turns to Even, debating what to say for a moment before settling on, “So… is she just as much of a nerd as you are?”

“She’s six,” Even says, like that should make it obvious. Isak hasn’t been around many six-year-olds in his life, so it isn’t. “And also, she’s my daughter. So yeah. She loves animals, desserts and Star Wars.”

“Star Wars?”

Even hums, an amused smile on his face.

“She’s always been a big fan Han and Leia but I think when we watch episode VII Rey will be her new favourite.”

“I don’t know any of those people. I think I only saw the first one couple,” Isak shrugs, staring into the curry.

It’s quiet for a while and when he looks back up, Even is staring at him with a squint and a frown. “Han and Leia were in the first ones.”

“Eh, no, they weren’t?”

“Harrison Ford and Carrie Fisher?”

“I’m pretty sure I would’ve remembered a young Harrison Ford. No, no, I saw the one with the, the people. With the laser swords.”

“Isak, oh my god, that might be the least helpful thing you’ve ever said,” Even mutters, hiding his face in his hands. Then, suddenly, like he’s realising someone he looks up, horrified. “Wait. You saw the prequels?”

“Fuck, I don’t know Even!”

“The ones with Natalie Portman?”

Isak stares back at him with a blank look. Even sighs.

“The ones with Hayden Christensen?”

“Yes!”

“Are you kidding… you only saw the prequels? No one acknowledges the prequels, Isak! They had Jar-Jar Binks in them, the whole thing was an absolute disaster cinematography wise. Who the fuck _knows_ what George Lucas was on when he made those…”

Just like that, the tension is gone and Even is off rambling about how there’s a specific shot during some meeting that they should’ve done very differently and Isak is listening and nodding like he understands what’s going on and sometimes he’ll ask a question that’s probably dumb but he’s gotta be doing something right because Even’s face lights up every time.

They eat their curry on the couch, and when they’re done Isak grabs Even’s bowl out of his hands, sets it on the coffee table and pulls Even into a hug. He’s been wanting to do that all evening and when he says so to Even, Even’s arms around him tighten for a second.

They spend an hour watching some dumb scripted reality show because Isak knows Even loves to shade those things and then Isak goes home. As Even sees him out, purposefully not letting go of his hand as he tries to put on his coat, Isak notices the bright small yellow raincoat hanging on the coat rack.

He kisses Even goodbye and in his heart it doesn’t feel like it’s going to be the last time.

 

“He has a kid.”

“Yep. Hanna.”

Jonas lets out a long sigh, which, yeah, Isak gets. He kind of feels like letting out long sighs constantly.

It’s basically what he’s been feeling ever since he left Even’s place last Friday evening. It was snowing lightly when he left and despite the fact that he hadn’t taken a hat with him the first thing he did was sit down on a park bench nearby and let the chilly air hit his face. The world was quiet around him, and it reminded him a little of the two of them standing in his street after that first date.

As his breaths were forming little clouds, he allowed himself a moment of panic. He hadn’t wanted to before for Even’s sake but once out of there his thoughts were running wild.

It takes ten minutes of sitting there, both hands clamping the park bench despite the freezing cold before he manages to call Eskild and ask if he can make sure there’s hot chocolate ready when Isak gets home. Eskild, knowing how to respond to the added _please_ and the clear lack of sarcasm, came through and wrapped Isak up in a blanket without asking questions the minute he got home.

Ever since that night he’s been feeling like he’s on a roller coaster. It’s so fucking stupid, how one minute he can be thinking about Even and saying yes and it can seem fine, maybe not easy, but definitely something he wants to be a part of _._

The next minute, his hands are shaking and he can’t imagine making a decision at all because both options seem straight up _terrifying_. So up and down he goes, throughout the day, and he’s so fucking glad midterms are just over and he knows he did pretty well on most so at least he doesn’t have to worry about that.

He spends his weekend at home, but by Monday even that feels constricting so he forces himself to get out of the house.

Now, sitting on a different park bench with Jonas and kebab, he feels a little more settled, because he knows Jonas and he knows this will help. He needs to get out of his own head for a little bit.

“Are you angry?”

At that, Isak hesitates. That’s the strange thing, isn’t it? He hasn’t been, really. Not at all. He’s felt sad and a little guilty at the realisation that Even had felt like he couldn’t tell him about these things before, even though he also knows it’s probably not completely his fault. The thing is that he just so completely understands the thing Even must have been feeling, the kind of terror that comes with sharing something big with someone you care about, if you thought there was a risk of losing them.

Maybe it isn’t really that strange at all.

So in the end, he shakes his head, which Jonas takes in stride. Thank fuck for Jonas, who can just accept and move on because after so many years of friendship he knows when Isak is lying to himself and when he’s not.

“So now you have to decide what to do?”

“Yep.”

There’s a short silence, after which Jonas turns to him a little and says, “Whatever you decide, it’s okay. You know that, right?”

Isak quietly pricks at his kebab for a couple of seconds, prompting Jonas to continue, “Listen, I get that you’re gonna feel guilty if you say no. But he’s right. I know you like him, _believe me_. But you can’t say yes out of some sense of guilt or shame. You know that’s not going to get you fucking anywhere and there’s no way he’d want that either.”

Isak follows some ducks gliding their way carefully across the frozen pond and he nods slowly. “I know. I’m just… I don’t feel like I know what I’m doing,” he groans. “What does it really mean if I say yes? I don’t know anything about children. Does _Even_ understand what he’s getting himself into? I mean, I told him how disastrous the whole Julian thing went but —”

“Okay, dude, chill. You gotta take this a step at a time, cool? He’s not just going to have you meet his kid all of a sudden and ask you to parent her or whatever. Not if he’s reasonable, and for the sake of argument we’re just going to assume that he is. This shit takes time.

"But isn’t that what you told me he said? That he wants to be able to talk about her without you freaking the fuck out, probably. I mean, I kinda get that the hiding must’ve felt really shitty, towards her as well. So knowing that’s not a secret anymore, just the idea that you know and he can talk to you about it is probably going to make a big difference, right?” Jonas takes a second to eat some of the kebab before he continues.

And yeah, when Jonas explains it to him like that and Isak doesn’t let his overactive anxiety run its course in his brain, that does sound logical and reasonable.

“And I mean, if the two of you at some point realise that what you have is serious, then yeah, you’ll probably have to meet her. She’s part of the deal.”

It’s like Jonas can see Isak’s chest constricting at the mere thought of that. After wiping of his hand on a napkin he turns to Isak and puts a hand on his shoulder, forcing his gaze up. “Dude. One step at a time. Figure out what you want. Talk to Even. That’s it for now. Okay?”

Isak takes a second. Jonas’ strong grip works grounding. The breeze is cooling down his hot face.

He feels like he can breathe, deeply, and the air won’t get stuck somewhere on the way to his lungs.

“Okay.”

 

—

 

Even works all day Saturday and tries to not look at Isak’s empty table. He has no doubt his co-workers notice so he thanks the stars that they all seem to have enough tact to not mention it to him all day. Sunday the boys come over to watch movies with him. He told them how the talk went that night after Isak left and no one mentions it while they’re at his place.

Instead, they put on Pretty Woman and throw popcorn at his and Mikael’s head, whining about the movie (completely disregarding the fact that they were the one to suggest it in the first place) until Even gives in and goes on to tell them _exactly_ why Pretty Woman is a fucking great movie and they should all learn to appreciate art, thank you very much. In the end, he spends the day actually enjoying himself.

It’s strange, the combination of anxiety and relief he feels now. So when he picks up Hanna from school on Monday and she asks him how he’s feeling now, he has to take a minute.

“It went… pretty okay, I think? It wasn’t bad, at least.”

“So… are you not nervous anymore?” she asks, swinging their clasped hands between their bodies. She’s wearing knitted mittens that looked like hedgehogs that she picked out herself.

He squeezed her hand.

“Still a little nervous,” he tells her after a second. “But also a little less nervous. Does that make sense?”

Hanna wrinkles her nose. “No. Oh, look!”

Even huffs out a laugh as she rushes off to pet a cat sitting on the hood of a car, carefully stretching out her hand and letting the cat sniff before petting.

“Look, she likes me,” she mumbles excitedly as the cat swerves against her and she presses her face against its fur. Even from two meters away Even can hear the insistent purring and he knows they’re going to be stuck here for _at least_ ten minutes as he slowly tries to untangle Hanna from her newfound love. All in all, it’s a pretty good day.

After work on Tuesday he goes to Hanna’s school to help with the preparations for the play and Hanna is over the freaking moon when she realises that because _she_ ’ _s_ the expert (it being her school and her class and her play and all) she gets to order him around. She’s completely in her element.

Sonja joins them an hour later and Hanna seems to jump out of her skin from excitement as she sits them both down on a way too low table and shows them how to fold the intricate lily flowers for the fake pond. He exchanges an amused smile with Sonja, the both of them watching her sitting there hunched over, tip of her tongue out of her mouth in concentration.

“You’re not paying attention to the flower!” she accuses them (rightfully so) when she finally looks up. “I’m not gonna explain it to you a million times!”

They quickly get to work after that, Hanna darting around and critiquing their flowers whenever she comes by their table again. By the end of the afternoon though, she looks immensely pleased with their hard labour, wrapping them up in a group hug.

Later that night, after Hanna’s been put to bed, he pulls up the google doc that Mikael and he had started writing the script for their short film in. They’d actually come pretty far, but reading it back now after leaving it untouched for years, it’s a little laughable, filled with cliches only romantic 19-year-old film students can come up with. Even so, he can feel that familiar rush of excitement through his body as he scrolls through it.

It’s almost two and a half hours later, after shooting Mikael a _hey, if you’re still interested?_ with the link to the document attached, that his mind shifts back to Isak.

He should probably find it strange, how large the feeling is inside his chest, but he’s gotten so used to seeing Isak nearly every day, even if it was just for a few moments. He misses the kisses and the eye rolls and he misses Isak searching for his hand and tangling their fingers together during a movie while pretending nothing special was going on and he misses the bad cooking and the blushes and he just fucking misses his… Isak.

For a moment, he debates sending Isak a message. Nothing pushy, just asking how things were. But he also doesn’t want to rush this. He wants to give Isak time and space because that’s what’s fair. It doesn’t make the waiting much easier.

 

Wednesday starts off fine. There’s a small snow storm happening outside so there’s been a steady line of people seeking refuge from the cold all morning.

After the 8 and 9 am rushes though, it calms down a little. Even takes his time to refill the cups and the beans, to put a new cake in the fridge and clean the coffee machine. Just as he’s getting into a weird stain that’s been irritating him for ages, he hears a familiar voice at the counter.

“Hi? I’m looking for someone?”

Isak looks… well, Even’s not sure if he’d recognised him if he hadn’t heard his voice, with how wrapped up he is (or, who the fuck is he kidding, of course he would’ve recognised Isak, cold nose and flushed cheeks and all). His coat is zipped all the way up, scarf hiding the lower half of his face and beanie pulled all the way over his ears.

Before Even can say anything, though, Isak continues. “Yeah, he’s about nine feet tall and he’s probably wearing a t-shirt that says “I love Baz Luhrmann” with like, a picture of the guy’s face in a big heart on the front, and then “What Star Wars prequels?” on the back.”

Despite Isak’s insistent shivering — which, come on, how is Even supposed to _not_ want to warm him up now? — his voice is steady and his face is completely serious.

Even stares at him for about five seconds as he’s trying to get through the rush of emotions that goes from _Isak is_ here _!_ to _what the actual fuck is happening?_ , then says, “Nope, can’t say that I’ve seen him.”

Isak, leaning against the counter, sighs dramatically. “Pity. In that case, a triple espresso, please.” And he strolls off to sit at his usual table.

Even makes him a hot chocolate with extra whipped cream, still a little stunned from what just happened.

When he reaches Isak’s table with the drink, he slides into the chair on the opposite side and watches as Isak looks at him with an expression very akin to mortification. He stares at the drink for about three seconds before meeting Even’s eye.

“That wasn’t funny at all, was it? It was funny in my head,” Isak says.

“It was kinda funny,” Even tries to reassure him.

“You weren’t laughing.”

“I mean… It caught me a bit off guard?” Even tries, voice treading a thin line between confusion and amusement.

That doesn’t seem to help. Isak groans, resting his head on the table for a second before straightening up. “Fuck, I just — I wanted to do something… like, something kinda dramatic and movie-worthy because you’re such a fucking nerd and I thought you’d appreciate that kind of thing but I _wasn’t_ really ready to do the whole “I’m just a boy standing in front of a boy” thing so —”

“Wait, wait, wait,” Even raises a hand, his heart feeling like it’s going to beat out of his chest. “You’ve seen _Notting Hill_?”

“What? I — No! Eva made me watch it,” Isak says, eyebrow furrowed. “Don’t — That’s not the fucking point, Even!”

“Isn’t it?”

“Even!”

“Yes, okay, fine, you’re right, please go on.”

Isak seems to have recovered a little by now because he’s glaring at Even over his drink, getting whipped cream on his nose in the process.

Even can’t take it.

Before Isak can do it himself, Even reaches over the table and wipes the cream away. Isak’s eyes are on him the whole time and when Even licks the cream of his finger, Isak huffs, quickly looking away.

“Anyway,” he says emphatically, “I wanted to make a fucking gesture and I completely ruined it because I’m not as fucking _extra_ as you are so. There’s that. But the point is…” His voice trails off, having gone quieter near the end and Even realises that this is it. Despite the fact that Isak’s _here_ and apparently he tried to make a _gesture_ Even’s still trying to push down the hope that’s exponentially growing in his chest.

“The point is?” Even prompts him hesitantly when the silence lasts.

Isak licks his lips. “The point is that I’m really fucking in love with you. The point is that I’ve thought about it, I’ve done all the thinking and all the talking and I’ve gone through all the parallel universes in my head, all the ones where we end up together and all the ones where we don’t. Or, not all of them because that’s like, impossible, what with there being an infinite amount of them and — yeah, okay.

"But you know… I’m making the decisions in this one. And I want this to be one of the ones where we’re doing it right. Fuck the rest. I want to do this, with you. We’ll just take it a step at a time and we’ll do it right.”

Even can’t help but stare.

All sounds except for Isak’s voice and his own heartbeat pounding in his throat seem to fall away. It feels a little like fireworks are going off in his chest, his hands tingling in a good way because this, this sounds an awful lot like hope.

 _The point is that I’m really fucking in love with you_.

He really wants to reach out to Isak but the other boy looks a little unsettled, waiting, toying with a napkin on the table and it’s only when he looks up at Even again, eyes wider than before and he asks, “Right?”, voice small, that Even realises Isak cannot actually see into his chest or hear his heartbeat going wild.

“Right,” he breathes out quickly, a smile forming on his face, and a little bit of the tension leaves Isak’s shoulders. It feels a little unreal. Despite all of his hopes and dreams and all of the times he’d tried to temper them, he’d never actually let himself envision this moment and envision it to be true. To be real. And now it is. “I want this to be the one where we’re doing it right, too.”

A beat of silence as the rest of the world seems to shift back into focus and Even gets up, stepping around the table. In his haste to get up as well, Isak almost knocks over his drink.

They’re in each other’s space and Even doesn’t care about being cheesy anymore but it feels a little like coming home. There’s this feeling rushing through him that he hasn’t felt in a really long time, this feeling like things have just finally fallen into place. There’s Isak next to him and Hanna at school and if he wanted to he could tell Isak about how she’s slowly started to work on convincing him to adopt a cat from an animal shelter.

The possibility is exhilarating.

This close up, Even can feel the heat radiating from Isak’s body. He can count long eyelashes and moles and the amount of times Isak’s eyes flit to his lips.

“For the record,” Even says quietly, seeking out Isak’s hand, shuffling just that little bit closer. “I’m really in love with you, too.”

The laugh Isak huffs out hits his face and Even can’t help but smile too. “That’s chill.”

“That’s chill,” Even nods, before leaning in.

The kiss tastes like hope, too.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SO there's no isak meeting hanna in this fic and that's!! a problem!!! i realise that, don't worry. i debated whether i was going to add a chapter and put it in there but in the end i felt like this arc was more focussed on isak and even together and this was a nice ending for this bit. so i'm working on another piece that'll revolve around the three of them and will definitely, 100% include isak meeting hanna. no worries. 
> 
> like i said in the last chapter, i'm also posting a one-shot that's basically a flashback of the balloon boys and even post even's bakka episode, i just need to edit that so i'll post it somewhere next week. that (and later the isak+even+hanna bit) are all going to be part of a series so if you want to stay updated on when the new stuff is added you can subscribe to that! 
> 
> thank you so so much for reading, this is the longest work i've ever posted and i've loved doing it, i hope you guys have as well. 
> 
> you can find me on [tumblr](http://minjard.tumblr.com) and [twitter](http://twitter.com/jostvns)! there's also a rebloggable post on tumblr [here](http://minjard.tumblr.com/post/165949933712/take-me-as-i-am-pairing-even-bech-n%C3%A6sheimisak).

**Author's Note:**

> i hope you enjoyed & if you did maybe let me know by giving kudos or leaving a message? <3 
> 
> i'm on [tumblr](http://minjard.tumblr.com) & on [twitter](http://twitter.com/jostvns)!! there's also a tumblr post for this chapter [here](http://minjard.tumblr.com/post/165658893362/take-me-as-i-am-pairing-even-bech-n%C3%A6sheimisak)!


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